England's best response to a crisis in midfield may have to be holding Dele Alli back... plus pretzel logic among Arsenal fans and the fight facing Gareth Bale at Real Madrid

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Hope you got to Gigg Lane while you were in Prestwich, Martin. Bury were your local team. That goes for all the many Manchester City and Manchester United fans in the Prestwich and Whitefield areas. When you've had enough of those phoney international fantasy football teams, give some meaning to being a supporter and get down to Gigg Lane, where most of the players are actually English. Billiam Shears, Bury.

I got to Gigg Lane when I lived in Prestwich, but I was only in a rented flat while we looked for a house, so I wasn’t there long. I stayed at the Brown Bull pub in Salford for a few weeks, then the place in Prestwich. Watched Everton win the European Cup Winners' Cup and the Heysel Stadium disaster unfold – which makes me 20 at the time – so it must have been near the end of the season anyway. There for the summer and moved on. Just enough time to sample The Red Lion, to have nosey neighbours tell me that my vehicle tax licence was stuck on the wrong side of my windscreen as if it was any of their business, and to nearly blow the place up having left the immersion heater on while I went off to see Gil Scott-Heron at The Hacienda. It was rocking from side to side by the time we got back. I remember Gil was halfway through his great anti-drug song Angel Dust and had to leave the stage because some of the band were so out of it they couldn’t play. Anyway, here’s probably the only song ever written about Bury. And for those new to The Fall, don’t worry, it’s meant to sound like that at the start. Five points up next.

Point one: about the problematic Dele Alli.

I’m struggling to think of a decent game Alli has had for England. He’s certainly not performed in competitive internationals. He did OK in a couple of friendlies against France and Germany, but apart from that his performances have been awful. JohnF, Coventry.

So you couldn’t think of a decent game he’s had and then, within a sentence, you remembered two, John? If you thought a little harder, might you not remember others? He’s played 13 competitive matches for England, amounting to eight wins, four draws and one defeat, against Iceland. He wasn’t poor in all of them – just not as consistently influential as he has been for Tottenham.

Harry Kane and Alli were rubbish at the European Championship, but both are rated highly in their positions. Can the same be said of our central midfielders? I expect an article about their failings, otherwise it seems like Alli is being singled. He’s only young and that's not right. The manager has to pick the right players and the media has to help by holding them all to account. Jah Lion, London.

I think I did that in the Malta match report, Jah, when I specifically highlighted the limitations of the central midfield, and proposed several alternatives to the chosen personnel. Jordan Henderson is a problem, certainly now he seems to be captain which suggests permanency, as his passing is the weakest part of his game. He hasn’t the range or vision of a world-class international midfielder, but who in the English game has? That Jack Wilshere has not trained on is both a great pity and a big setback. Eric Dier holds, which is fine, but he needs someone around who can distribute the ball imaginatively, and where is that player in the English game right now? The reason there is focus on Alli is because he is a candidate to move back into midfield, but also an exceptional talent who has underperformed in this qualifying campaign. It is pointless repeatedly stating after each game that Henderson, and Jake Livermore against Malta, are limited passers because that is self-evident. Gareth Southgate cannot coach them to pass better, merely find an alternative. In Alli’s case, it is obvious he can improve for England. That is why he is a talking point.

Dele Alli hasn't been poor for England - just not as consistent as he is for Spurs 

Anyone who thinks Alli is a midfielder has no knowledge of football. His passing stats are laughable, while his goals-to-assists ratio is similar to Romelu Lukaku’s. Alli is a second striker, not a midfielder. No striker would want him behind them while Juan Mata, Kevin De Bruyne, Christian Eriksen, Henrik Mkhitaryan, Philippe Coutinho and Mesut Ozil would be a dream. Neutral Dude, United States.

Yes, just that – a dream, because none of them are English. So we have to deal with our impoverished reality, where Alli becomes an option. I agree that to move him back would sacrifice his goal threat, and that his link play is not in the same class as the players you mention, but Alli in midfield is a response to a crisis in the balance of the team, not an experiment or indulgence. England are sluggish in central midfield, and that has to be addressed. We have several players who could operate as a second striker, but very few in contention further back. I’m not saying he is plan A – but he might be plan C, D or E.

Point two: Chelsea transfer window verdict...brilliant!

Chelsea have been working on signing players since the beginning of the transfer window. Unfortunately, they can’t just click their fingers and make their targets come running. Certain players weren’t for sale, others had a ridiculously high asking price. I don't know how Diego Costa’s situation could have been sorted earlier. He has been in Brazil since June and has refused point blank to return. Maybe Antonio Conte or the board should have camped outside his house and dragged him back? As for Ross Barkley and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, they are average players who are far below the standard of our current squad. Bluezone1, Kerry.

So which of this string of excuses was it? They weren’t for sale, they were too expensive or they weren’t good enough? Look, anyone with an ear to the ground knew what Conte wanted months ago. I heard it from another Premier League club, because football people talk. He wanted full-backs, a centre-half because he was losing John Terry and an upgrade on Nemanja Matic. After the FA Cup final it became obvious that Costa was finished, so add a striker to that, too. You can offer up any explanation you wish, but the fact is Chelsea failed to take advantage of their position as champions and ended up trying to do business in a last-minute panic. As for Costa, as I have said before – if the Daily Mail could track him down in Brazil, I’m damn sure Chelsea could get a party out there to try to resolve the issue with diplomacy. And now, as we’re about to delve into the wonderful world of Arsenal, it seems apt to mark the passing of Steely Dan’s Walter Becker. Do you know what Pretzel Logic is? Think of the shape: twisted, goes round in circles. You’re going to be reading plenty of it in a minute. But first…

Point three: Arsenal’s transfer window verdict...brilliant!

Start with Oxlade-Chamberlain – what has he done for Arsenal in the last four years? Zero. He was never good enough to pull on the Arsenal shirt. He’s only rated because he's English. He runs, has no football brain and is injury prone, don’t forget. It’s a win for Arsenal getting rid of him. As for Kieran Gibbs, he’s past it and not good enough for Arsenal’s level, or where we need to be. He can do a good job for West Brom but nothing more. If we can now get the best from Alexis Sanchez on the pitch let’s see where we are. We have Sanchez, Alexandre Lacazette and Olivier Giroud, so it’s better than last year. Demo Baba, London.

After all this madness how many teams will win the Premier League? Is second, third or fourth place still good enough for anybody? If so, why the media conspiracy against Arsenal after consistently finishing in those positions in the past 20 years? I wonder what the media will do when Arsene Wenger eventually goes. Unfortunately, the core of Arsenal fans today are a young group raised on the immediacy of the internet and fast food. It is very easy to be wound up by Martin Samuel and his ilk in the media. Opah, Lagos.

So, you say people are easy to wind up one minute, and then talk of a media conspiracy the next? Hey, pretzel logic. Answer this: why would we need to conspire against Arsenal? Conspirators have something to gain. What is our gain here? Selling newspapers? We do that whatever happens to Arsenal. An Arsenal success story – the Invincible season, for instance – would have put on significant sales. And an Arsenal crisis is hardly news, is it? If you don’t like the current one, there will be another along in a matter of months. As for Demo’s rubbishing of Oxlade-Chamberlain, I thought he was playing some of his best football for Arsenal in the right wing-back role. It seemed to me the club had nurtured him into a productive Premier League footballer but just at the point when it finally began to pay off, sold him to Liverpool.

Arsenal let Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain join Premier League rivals Liverpool on deadline day

Point four: the transfer window verdict. Not brilliant, apparently.

The transfer window is The Fast Show’s ‘Even better than that’ sketch. ‘Hello dear. Did you get the eggs, the butter and the potatoes?’ ‘Even better than that! I got some biscuits shaped like radios, a map of Cairo, and an icepick!’ Talbzmeister, Birmingham.

A fine analogy. My favourite ‘Even better than that’ reply was in response to ‘Did you get the things we need for the party, dear – the gin, the tonic, the lemons?’ ‘Even better than that!’ he says. ‘I got an antique Victorian toilet roll holder, some brass bicycle clips – and squid ink!’ Coincidentally, I think that actually might have been the shopping list at Arsenal.

Amazing that Samuel can’t see the difference between buying a player on the last day of the transfer window when it’s a month into the season, and that day coming before the season starts. David, Liverpool.

Well, clearly I can because the whole point of the column concerned the logical need for clubs to do their business early. If you had read or understood it properly you might have spotted that. I just don’t see the necessity to tie football businesses up in even more red tape, and make them vulnerable to European raids.

Funny how the press dine out on the transfer window for weeks. They invent stories, feed positive or negative stories depending on which club it is – their coverage would basically be nothing without the clubs Samuel whinges about. Here's an idea: if you didn’t sensationalise transfers we would read about them at our leisure without all the stupid headlines and agendas. Gumpforrest, Perth.

The Daily Mail linked so many players with clubs in deals that never materialised. If it wasn't for your false reporting you wouldn’t have any news because it’s all speculation. That’s why I read Sky Sports first and then laugh at the comments on here. Leechy84, Manchester.

Yes, because you’re such a grown-up – just like old Gumpy who hasn’t the will or wit to stop reading transfer speculation so wants newspapers to cease reporting it instead. Here’s a Sky Sports story for you. A few years ago, some tool opened a fake Twitter account in my name on deadline day and reported that Pepe Reina was signing for Arsenal. That ran on Sky for about an hour. No-one contacted me to verify it and, I presume, no-one contacted Arsenal, Liverpool or Pepe Reina either. I think Sky do a good job on deadline day and I’m sure their checking processes tightened up after that fiasco, but let’s not pretend broadcast media aren’t scrambling around for information just the same as the rest of us. 

As for transfers not materialising, sometimes that happens. Doesn’t make the story wrong. Alexis Sanchez didn’t go to Manchester City, but all the stories saying they would come in for him that newspapers ran throughout the summer were spot on. Same with any number of transfers that didn’t materialise – Coutinho to Barcelona, Thomas Lemar to Arsenal, William Carvalho to West Ham – only a fool would think they were invented. 

Early in my career I had the good fortune to work with a man called Alex Montgomery. Alex was a brilliant story getter. Not every day, because you don’t get them every day. But he’d have a few each season, all exclusive. When you saw his name on a story, you knew it was right. He broke Paul Gascoigne to Lazio, but the office weren’t convinced and ran it as six paragraphs in a single column. They key word in transfer stories is ‘will’. Not ‘could’ not ‘may’, not ‘is a target for’ – will. So-and-so will sign for such-and-such. If you can put the word ‘today’ at the end of that sentence, so much the better. 

In 1989, Alex wrote that Gary McAllister would sign for Nottingham Forest today. It didn’t happen. Alex was mortified. His information was correct, the deal was as good as done. What he didn’t know is that Brian Clough had asked McAllister if he had a girlfriend and when he said he didn’t, replied: ‘Are you a poof, then?’ McAllister wasn’t impressed – by all accounts Clough didn’t like his cowboy boots, either – and the deal went dead. So how is the journalist meant to guess an outcome as random as that? The Mail’s deadline-day coverage is quite brilliant and I’ll make no apologies for it.

Point five: the wisdom of buying, or selling, Gareth Bale.

I would rather pay Marco Asensio’s buy-out clause than get Gareth Bale. What makes you think that he will be good enough for Manchester United when he is injured half the time? Manc the Red, Bangalore.

What makes you think you’ve got a prayer of getting Asensio, a young Spanish player at the best club side in the world? The presumption of some Manchester United fans is almost comical.

Gareth Bale, playing for Wales this week, faces a watershed season in the Spanish top flight

Bale is just a small part of the massive Real Madrid machine which, together with a weak league, the purchase of superstar players, and state funding has enabled them to be successful. In a more competitive system like the Premier League he won’t be able to turn in 10/10 performances every week. Ask the likes of Eden Hazard, Coutinho, Alli, Kane and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Vividred, Northampton.

I don’t know if you remember this but Bale did play in the Premier League. As I recall, he did all right – hence the £90m move to Madrid.

When Bale he is fit, he is a regular starter at the biggest football club on the planet. You think he should get out because of the rise of Asensio. Basically, the going is getting tough, so retreat back to comfortable home shores. This is the easier option rather than fighting for his place and the kind of thing players would normally get criticised for. Hendrox, Newcastle.

Manchester United would definitely be foolish to go after Bale. Clearly he's not the same player who had pace to burn. Take that away and he's ordinary because his technical skill is nowhere near the others at the top. All in all, Bale staying was a quite foolish decision by both parties. It was pretty dumb on Madrid’s part not to cash in and receive crazy money in this crazy market; and not smart on Bale's part to not take five years elsewhere while he was still 28. Birth-Football-Death, Washington.

And Jose Mourinho would have taken him I’m pretty sure of that. Look, Hendrox, I completely understand why Bale is determined to stay and fight for his place. I admire him for that. I just think this is a watershed season and it might not unfold the way he hopes. If that is the case, it makes sense to return to an elite club here, because I’m pretty sure he could propel a team to the league title. My only concern, if standing in the shoes of a buying club, would be his recent injury record. If Madrid decide to sell, that might have an impact on the price. Anyway, while I’ve been writing this we appear to have lost another one. Farewell to the wonderful Holger Czukay, late of Can and this world. Until next time.