Monday Morning Football: A definitive analysis of the Premier League weekend

Marcos Alonso - Monday Morning Football
Marcos Alonso secured three points for Chelsea at Spurs's temporary home Credit: GETTY IMAGES

Week two of your 2017/18 Premier League season is in the books, aside from Manchester City's home match with Everton on Monday night.

It was a weekend rather lighter on shocks than the opening set of fixtures, largely because Stoke beating Arsenal at home cannot be classed as a surprise.

Spurs got their new life at Wembley under way but, despite a lot of pre-match hoopla, they went down 2-1 against hated Chelsea thanks to a free-kick and a goalkeeping boo-boo.

And there was a thumping away win for a team that look to be clicking into gear under one of the league's best managers, who now have six valuable points already on the board.

But enough about West Brom, Manchester United also looked quite good. 

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Here's your thorough summary of everything that happened in the Premier League.

Whose stock is rising? 

Marcos Alonso

In analysing Chelsea's 2-1 victory over Spurs Sky Sports highlighted a circle around Alonso's feet as he stepped up to take his free-kick at Wembley, bringing to mind FIFA and Pro Evo. His perfectly whipped left-foot dead ball strike was exactly the sort of tekkers that gamers spend hours practising.

Alonso's freekick for Chelsea
Familiar situation for football gamers: Alonso curls in the finesse free Credit: Sky Sports Screenshot

Gary Neville called it “absolutely brilliant, just a magnificent strike, technique, wonderful” and said that neither the goalie nor the wall had any chance. No doubt.

That sort of dead-ball quality is priceless and Chelsea’s opponents for the rest of the season have been put on notice about the perils of giving away free kicks 20-25 yards out. The Spurs defensive wall was full of big ‘uns as well, but Alonso still got it up and down.

His second, game-winning, goal owed as much to the keeper as the shot, with Hugo Lloris beaten too easily on his near post, but this was a spectacular day at the office for the former Bolton man, who impressed with his powerful running, organisation and authority throughout.
Alan Tyers

Paul Pogba

Paul Pogba celebrates
Pogba scored an excellent third for United at Swansea Credit: AFP

A thoroughly Jose Mourinho sort of win for Manchester United against Swansea, and Paul Pogba played a large part. He was a key cog in United's dominant midfield display, allowing them to seize control of the game, dictate its pace then run up the score when an exhausted Swansea wilted towards the end.

This is to be expected. Pogba and Matic's average height is a touch more than 6'3". Tom Carroll and Roque Mesa, in the middle for Swansea, barely scrape to an average of 5'7". The result was a little harsh on Swansea, but even when the game was level sheer size was frequently the difference for United.

Pogba and Romelu Lukaku were frequently able to ping the ball between one another, untroubled by the less statuesque irritants swarming around them. Pogba, though, also brought artistry to United. He made their first goal with a well=placed header from a corner which crashed back off bar into the path of scorer Eric Bailly.

The Frenchman's finish for the third United goal was a moment of casual brilliance, starting the move with a lay-off then concluding it move with a perfectly-judged dink over Lukasz Fabianski. Jose Mourinho said afterwards he “let the horses run freely and they were magnificent.” Pogba is beginning to look like a thoroughbred.
Thom Gibbs

David Wagner

Huddersfield Town's German head coach David Wagner congratulates his team as Newcastle United's Spanish manager Rafael Benitez looks on
And after I said all those nice things about him... Rafael Benitez looks glumly at David Wagner Credit: AFP

Aston Villa and Wolfsburg were among the bigger clubs who tried to lure David Wagner away from Huddersfield Town this off-season, but the German-American opted to stick around, and chairman Dean Hoyle vowed not to get rid of him even if the Terriers do go down.

Early days of course, but they currently sit an extremely comfortable 16 places above the drop-zone, second in the league table. Second!

Such heady heights were secured on Sunday lunchtime when they defeated Newcastle, whose manager Rafael Benitez is among Wagner's many fans. Before the match, Rafa had said: "He’s already a good manager and he has the potential to be an even better one." Well, he was good enough on Sunday.

Huddersfield's goal was a credit to the manager, and made in his own image: bright, unfussy, a product of cohesion. It was Aaron Mooy who hit the net; the former Man City player is on his way to being one of the breakout stars of the season.

Huddersfield have a top-flight victory for the first time since 1971. A few more weekends like these, and they'll be calling Wagner the new Herbert Chapman.
AT

Tony Pulis

Happy Tony Pulis
Tony Pulis laughs off another attempt to defend against his side's corners Credit: EPA

Quietly getting it done once again. West Brom have six points on the board already, 36 is the average required to stay up over the past four seasons. So they're one sixth of their way to safety with 94.8 per cent of the season left to play. Tidy.

Their win against Burnley was pleasing for a number of reasons. It halted the momentum Burnley, the home side, were carrying into the game after their win last week over Chelsea. It was achieved without their best player Jonny Evans, who Tony Pulis insisted was genuinely unfit amid rumours of interest from Manchester City. And, best of all, West Brom were down to 10 men for the last portion of the game after Hal Robson-Kanu was sent off.

There aren't so many good teams in this league that a side with old-fashioned values of balance, hard work and being spectacularly well-drilled cannot thrive. They just have to keep it up once they reach 40 points. 
TG

Harry Maguire

Harry Maguire heads in goal for Leicester
Harry Maguire rises highest against Brighton Credit: REUTERS

Even fairytales have to end. While it's a shame to see Leicester's familiar partnership at the back of Wes Morgan and Robert Huth broken up, at least the new man in the middle looks a delightful player. 

Maguire shone in a frequently dreadful Hull City side last year but looks to have all the necessary attributes to thrive in a team which will be a little less under pressure. He made several daring runs with the ball out of defence against Brighton, but always looked composed and never left his team exposed.

His pass completion percentage so far this season is 82.02 per cent, up from 76.23 per cent last time out, and his commanding presence at the back makes him looks a snip (ridiculously) at £15m.

Oh, and he scored. Top marks.
TG

Whose stock is falling?

Steve Bould

Arsene Wenger and Steve Bould on the Arsenal bench
Arsene Wenger adopts the familiar Stoke City pose, as Steve Bould looks on Credit: ACTION IMAGES

What exactly is assistant manager Steve Bould doing at Arsenal? An arm-raising component of former tremendous Arsenal defences, the hope when he replaced Pat Rice as Arsene Wenger's assistant in 2012 was that he would address the club's persistent defensive shortcomings.

On the evidence of their 1-0 defeat to Stoke he is failing. Four moments stuck out: 

  1. Shkodran Mustafi backing off Jese in the opening minutes then attempting to hack him down as he entered the box. Why wasn't Mustafi showing him safely towards the touchline?
  2. Jese breaking from a corner, picking up the ball in his own half then waltzing 98 yards upfield, breezing through three irrelevant Arsenal defenders. Where was the tactical foul on the half-way line? 
  3. Defensive midfielder Granit Xhaka giving the ball away when in a recklessly advanced position with only an uninterested Mesut Ozil covering behind him. Does that sort of thing ever happen to other players who excel in Xhaka's role: Nemanja Matic? N'Golo Kante? Darren Fletcher? 
  4. Nacho Monreal tracking Jese all the way as Stoke made the most of Xhaka's carelessness, then suddenly losing his man at the key moment and allowing him to score. Why?

In fairness, the answer to question four is "because Nacho Monreal is not a centreback." He should never be in the middle of a back three as he has been for the past two games. Bould is not being helped by some wildly eccentric team selections from Arsene Wenger at the moment.

But since Bould arrived Arsenal have faced an average of 11.26 shots per game in the Premier League. In the five years before, it was only 10.39.

There has been a small reduction in goals conceded per game (1.03 in the Bould era, down from 1.12 in the five years before) and Arsenal were unfortunate to lose this weekend. But in tight games like these you've got to hold up your end of the bargain defensively. Clearly, depressingly, that is something the current Arsenal team can not manage.
TG

Hugo Lloris

Hugo Lloris looks dejected after Chelsea's Marcos Alonso 
Carpeted: Hugo Lloris looks dejected after Chelsea's Marcos Alonso scores the second Credit: Reuters

Marginally worrying times for Tottenham’s normally reliable keeper. Earlier in the summer, he gave the ball away suicidally while playing for France and was lobbed from distance to hand Sweden a 2-1 last-gasp win over Les Bleus.

His blunder on Sunday afternoon was not befitting an otherwise high-quality match and ensured Chelsea fans can brag about a new Three Point Lane all the way back down Wembley Way. They had just two shots on target and Marcos Alonso scored with both.

Fair enough, the free-kick was a blinder, but Lloris will be dismayed at failing to stop the other effort from the Spanish left-sider. It was a nothing shot, straight at the keeper on his near post, but somehow Lloris let it go through him. Maybe a bit less being a spokesman about the wallet of Danny Rose and a bit more concentrating on the moving ball is called for.
AT

Mark Noble

A wonderful servant for West Ham and a deserving hero to their fans, but his performance in their 3-2 defeat at Southampton was one to forget.

Perhaps Noble was overcompensating for the listlessness around him last week, when United's midfield looked miles off the pace against identically-suffixed opponents from Manchester.

That is no excuse for his tackle on Southampton Mario Lemina that left him with an ugly cut on his shin, but inexplicably only resulted in a yellow for Noble from Lee Mason

He should have been punching doors and kicking isotonic drinks bottles in the changing room with red carded team-mate Marco Arnautovic by the time Charlie Austin stepped up for a penalty in the dying minutes.

Instead, according to Austin, Noble attempted to play mind games with the striker.  Austin said: "I was going to his right for the penalty, but then Noble said ‘Hart knows where you are going’, so I put it into the other side.” Oh dear.
TG

Brighton's full backs

Bruno attempts to beat Marc Albrighton to the ball
Bruno attempts to beat Marc Albrighton to the ball Credit: GETTY IMAGES

It has been an unpleasant start to life in the Premier League for Brighton's Markus Suttner and Bruno, neither of whom have played in the English top flight before. 

They were tormented repeatedly by Leicester's Marc Albrighton and Riyad Mahrez on Saturday during their 2-0 defeat at the home of crisps. Mahrez baffled Suttner at chastening speed in the build-up to City's opening goal with an ease that will worry Albion supporters, Chris Hughton, and fans of not seeing full-backs humiliated. 

Bruno at right-back is a beloved stalwart but at 36 will need all of his experience to avoid similar roastings as the season progresses. Only four teams have faced more crosses so far this season, suggesting it's too easy to get at the Premier League new boys from out wide.

Brighton will face sterner tests than Leicester across the year, but not imminently. They need at least one win from their next four games: Watford (A), West Brom (H), Bournemouth (A), Newcastle (H).
TG

Very, very unfortunate injuries denying people a chance to play the game they love

Thoughts and prayers are with Liverpool's Philippe Coutinho this Monday morning after he was not fit enough to play for his current employer at the weekend.

And it is also a desperately worrying time for Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez, not fit enough for the Arsenal squad, but okay to be in Chile's. How confusing!

Alexis Sanchez of Arsenal during a training session at London Colney 
Worry: Alexis Sanchez at death's door on Friday Credit: Arsenal FC 

As for Virgil van Dijk, well, it would take a heart of stone not to wish the Southampton man a speedy recovery from his whatever it is that he currently has. He could probably do with some sea air to help perk him up. But not the stuff they have on the South Coast. North West sea air, that's the ticket.

We're quite sure that all will make timely recoveries as soon as they possibly can.
AT

Five thrilling stats

Premier League players to have been sent off after coming on as a sub, as Hal Robson-Kanu was for West Brom against Burnley. The others were David Lee (Chelsea 1993), Bobby Zamora (West Ham 2007) and Ivan Klasnic (Bolton 2010).

5

Clean sheets Liverpool have kept in their last six games. It took them 21 games to record five in the period before their current run.

19

Shots recorded by Watford against Bournemouth, their most away from home in the Premier League since coming up in 2015-16.

50

Starts Alvaro Morata has made in the major European leagues, despite making his professional debut seven years ago.

100

Percentage of Javier Hernandez's Premier League goals to be scored from inside the box, with both Man Utd and his new club West Ham.

Goal of the weekend

Etienne Capoue
Take that, football Credit: GETTY IMAGES

Etienne Capoue's blisttering shot to seal Watford's 2-0 victory at Bournemouth. Ball, chest, look, smack. A glorious shot from outside the area which nestled pleasingly in the side netting, to add a deserved gloss to Watford's result.

Jason Burt's team of the weekendd

Tactics corner, with JJ Bull

Conte calls on his old friend Catenaccio

Antonio Conte celebrates
The suit and life-endagering joy was back for Antonio Conte on Sunday Credit: GETTY IMAGES

Spurs don’t have a great record at the new Wembley and Antonio Conte was very keen to make sure this didn’t change as he brought a Chelsea team to teach Mauricio Pochettino’s team, and the Premier League, a thing or two about Italian defensive tactics.

Catenaccio, Italian for “The Chain”, is essentially a sexier way to park the bus. Chelsea’s 5-3-2 (or 3-5-2, it’s the same thing) was taken straight out of the Serie A 1990s guide book and it worked.

Without Gary Cahill (missing through suspension) and having to cope with a determined, talented home side eager to start well in their temporary home, Conte decided to play it safe.

Three central defenders - Rudiger, Christensen and Azpilicueta - were joined by the usual wing-backs and instead of the Kante-Fabregas duo, also disrupted through suspension, Chelsea played a three man midfield.

Bakayoko is a defensive midfielder who can run from box to box, and both Rudiger and Morata are new to both Conte’s style of play and English football. Conte didn’t want to take any chances on his new recruits leaving gaps in Chelsea’s defence and locked the door just in case. The switch made perfect sense.

One key question for this week

Which of the disappointing Uniteds will get on the board first?

West Ham United's Austrian midfielder Marko Arnautovic
Head in the Hands: West Ham United's Austrian midfielder Marko Arnautovic echoes the sentiments of a lot of Hammers fans Credit: AFP

Only two games in, sure, but the danger signs are already blinking at St James' Park and at the McDonalds Olympics Starbucks Mo Farah Thanks Very Much Taxpayer Bowl.

Newcastle United and West Ham United have zero points between them, and meet next weekend in what already looks like a relegation six-pointer.

West Ham United broke their club record transfer fee to bring Marko Arnautovic​ to East London this off-season, forking out £20million, which might rise to £25million with add-ons, action figure sales, sponsored walks and so on.

At least they won't have to pay him any appearance fees for a bit after his daft sending off. Will they continue spending big? Can they do it better? It certainly looks like they need something in the mix.

Newcastle, back where they are perceived to belong, have plenty of problems of their own and look suspiciously Championship quality in several departments. It seems unlikely that both Bilic and Benitez will be in these jobs at the end of the season. Defeat in this donkey derby could hasten either's demise.
Alan Tyers

Off the Ball, by Alan Tyers

Worst celebration of the weekend

Sympathies for Hamburg’s Nicolai Muller, who attempted a goal celebration so celebratory after scoring against Augsburg that he tore his anterior cruciate ligament. He wheeled away to the corner flag, spun round in the air twice… and hit the turf in pain. Seven months out, they’re saying. Poor lad.

Quote of the weekend

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, appearing on Goals On Sunday, confirmed what everyone suspects.

"Paul Pogba would definitely have got a yellow if he had not been booked. But then, he is a Manchester United player and, whatever you say, they do get treated more lenient."

Dummy of the weekend

Nathaniel Chalboah was left furious during the Bournemouth vs Watford match as Harry Arter pulled off a classic pub five-a-side move.

Chalboah, well positioned, was put through and about to latch onto the ball, when the dastardly Arter yelled “leave it”. Chalboah, thinking it was a team-mate, dummied. Had a few well chosen words with Arter, who should surely have been cautioned for unsporting behaviour under law 12.

Enjoyed this tweet from an in-no-way-biased Twitter fan who has 'Luther' in his name:

Ski Sunday

Daft website Breitbart with yet another howler.

Tweet of the weekend

It's your friend and mine (Disclaimer: not actual friend) David Gold!

Vest in show

No question as to the most stylish item this weekend, it had to be Andre Gray’s neon green singlet. Steptoe chic.

Who's showing the most cards?

How is the table looking?

Race for the Golden Boot 

What's coming up next?

What's on TV this week?

Monday: Man City vs Everton, Sky Sports Premier League / Main Event / UHD, 20.00
Wednesday: Liverpool vs Hoffenheim, BT Sport 2 / 4K, 19.45
Saturday: Bournemouth vs Man City, Sky Sports Premier League / Main Event / UHD 12.30, Man Utd vs Leicester, BT Sport 1 / 4K 17.30
Sunday: West Brom vs Stoke, Sky Sports Premier League / Extra / UHD, 13.30, Liverpool vs Arsenal, Sky Sports Premier League / Main Event / UHD, 16.00

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