Crystal Palace lost a seventh successive game while late goals swung matches at West Ham and West Brom
Sat 30 Sep 2017 12.11 EDT
First published on Sat 30 Sep 2017 08.45 EDTLive feed
Match reports
Right then, I’m off in search of a basket of biscuits. It’s been a blast. Bye!
Peter Crouch does some grinning:
They threw everything at us. I thought they played well today, Southampton. Thankfully we held out, dug in and got the three points. When you get an opportunity you just try to make an impact. It’s the best impact, scoring a goal. Of course it was important that we got the win today, after a couple of bad results. It’s a dark place to be, the training ground, when everyone’s away and you’ve lost before the international break.
I’m still here, but the action is moving elsewhere, and Scott Murray has another liveblog for you:
“Paris St Germain appear to be decapitating Bordeaux, putting the bonce in the basket five times in the half!” reports Paul Carrington. This is the first time this has ever happened.
Double substitution of the day: Slaven Bilic brought Masuako and Sakho on in the 78th minute of their game against Swansea, and 12 minutes later Masuako ran down the left and crossed, and Sakho scored the winner. Was that the moment that saved Bilic’s job (for now)?
Final scores: Stoke have beaten Southampton by two goals to one! And also, West Ham have beaten Swansea by a single goal to no goals!
Final score: That is the final meaningful moment of the match, as West Brom have blown a two-goal lead and take just a point from Watford.
GOAL! West Brom 2-2 Watford (Richarlison, 90+5 mins)
Watford take a free-kick, four and a half minutes into the advertised four minutes of stoppage time. Everyone goes up. The goalkeeper’s in there. Holebas swings in a lovely cross, and Richarlison heads in!
Aha, an aspect of American culture about which I was unaware: they put scones into baskets and then call them biscuits. Also, as Richard Morris points out, scampi come in baskets. And bread.
Final score: Manchester United have beaten Crystal Palace by four goals to none.
And as I type that Birmingham score a morale-boosting consolation – it’s 6-1!
Birmingham are in the bottom three and their goal difference is taking an absolute battering: it’s now Hull 6-0 Birmingham.
GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Swansea (Sakho, 90 mins)
A low cross from the left, a flying leg flung out at the far post, and West Ham have stolen the points!
Paris St-Germain are 5-1 up against Bordeaux, and it isn’t half-time yet.
“‘Yes, they put the baby in the basket and sent it up the Nile! Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Priceless,” daydreams Becket DeChant. It could happen.
GOAL! Stoke 2-1 Southampton (Crouch, 85 mins)
That, it must be said, is scrappy. The ball pings about the penalty for a while before being kicked into Peter Crouch’s leg, and from there it flies in!
GOAL! Manchester United 4-0 Crystal Palace (Lukaku, 86 mins)
That is a tap-in for Lukaku, who is all alone to convert Lingard’s low centre!
GOALS! In Romania, it’s Rapid 0-3 Academia Rapid. This is embarrassing for Rapid, isn’t it?
More news from north of the border: Celtic no longer losing! Callum McGregor has his second of the day, and it’s 2-2.
“Lotion. Lotion is put in the basket. Also baby Moses. And kittens,” writes Kári Tulinius. I’m not convinced about lotion baskets, but I would love to hear a commentator use the baby Moses one.
It’s an absolute goal fiesta!
Scotland update: I say update, but it’s the first mention of the Scots today. Anyway, big news: Celtic are losing a dometic football match! It’s Celtic 1-2 Hibernian!
GOAL! Stoke 1-1 Southampton (Yoshida, 75 mins)
A corner from the left is cleared back to the taker, and this cross is flicked on and flies to Yoshida at the far post, who lashes in a lightning volley that crashes into the roof of the net!
Meanwhile the teams for the evening game in the Premier League are in:
Chelsea: Courtois, Rudiger, Christensen, Cahill, Azpilicueta, Kante, Bakayoko, Fabregas, Alonso, Hazard, Morata. Subs: Caballero, Pedro, Moses, Kenedy, Zappacosta, Willian, Batshuayi.
Man City: Ederson, Walker, Stones, Otamendi, Delph, De Bruyne, Fernandinho, Silva, Sane, Gabriel Jesus, Sterling. Subs: Bravo, Danilo, Gundogan, Mangala, Bernardo Silva, Alexander Zinchenko, Toure.
Referee: Martin Atkinson.
Meanwhile in Paris, these two are both on the scoresheet and appear to have made friends. PSG lead Bordeaux 3-0, in the first half.
A chance for Crystal Palace at Old Trafford, but Sako’s first-time effort flies over.
Yes: mushrooms, laundry, these things do come in baskets.
Watford are dominating the game as they search for an equaliser at the Hawthorns, but the best they seem to be able to do is shoot from the edge of the area, and most of those efforts get blocked or deflected. Holebas just curled a lovely corner into the area, but nobody got a touch – Kabasele came closest, and some Watford players seemed to believe/hope that he’d been pushed. The referee was not convinced.
Those aren’t biscuits, they’re rubbish scones.
The thrashing of the day appears to be taking place at Burton, where Wolves are now 4-0 up. Leo Bonatini has scored the latest.
And now it’s Preston 2-2 Sunderland, both teams scoring in the space of three minutes! Sunderland were briefly behind.
Lovely alliteration, but totally senseless. Who puts biscuits into baskets?
Meanwhile in the Championship it’s now Preston 1-1 Sunderland, as the good times stubbornly refuse to roll for the visitors.
“How about ‘Fills the stocking like Santa’,” suggests William Ansell. Not strictly mesh-based, but it’s got a nice festive ring about it.
Today’s key Rashford-related statistics:
Palace should probably have had a penalty there. Schlupp got into the penalty area where Smalling tugged his shirt and gave him a gentle shove, but the referee was unimpressed.
Rashford’s cross for that goal was perfection. Laser-guided.
GOAL! Manchester United 3-0 Crystal Palace (Fellaini, 48 mins)
A free kick on the left is crossed in by Rashford, and Fellaini is about two yards out and bizarrely unmarked when it flicks off his forehead and can go nowhere but in.
Game back on! The second half has started at Old Trafford, with the rest of the country not far behind.
“Talk of Wigan v Castleford brings to mind what is surely the greatest (and most colourful) piece of sports commentary ever recorded,” writes Lewis Jones. Nice tip, it is very good.
On the other hand, maybe it’s best avoided. “Rather than West Ham v Swansea ‘live’ on your headline can I suggest a half time substitution of ‘live’ with ‘moribund’,” writes Ian Sargeant, who is at the game.
“I’ve just got home from work, it’s 12.52am in Australia a nice bottle of Pinot open,” writes Dominic Talimanidis. “I have the option of watching any game for the next 45. Which would you recommend?” I’d recommend going to bed and then finding a different job in the morning, but failing that I think the Hawthorns has been action central in the first half and is a good option, but West Ham v Swansea might turn interesting.
The last time Michael Oliver refereed a game between West Brom and Watford, Saido Berahino had two penalties saved. The striker might have switched teams, but we’re still on for an unlikely repeat today.
“Your reference to George Honeyman ‘popping one in the onion bag’ sounds straight out of a Roy of the Rovers annual circa 1976,” writes Ewen Atkinson. “Another I recall from back then is: ‘Pick that one out of the lobster pot!’ Mind you, that could be from Billy’s Boots. Do other readers know of any affectionate mesh-based metaphorical imagery for proper sets of goals with nets?” Ooh, maybe we can invent our own? “Thumps it in the noughts-and-crosses grid”, perhaps?
Premier League half-time scores:
Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester
Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace
Stoke 1-0 Southampton
West Brom 2-1 Watford
West Ham 0-0 Swansea
Half time whistles ring out across the land, and at Wigan the scoreboard engineer gets to work:
Fraser Forster saves the penalty! Berahino sidefoots low to his right, but it’s not very hard and not very close to the corner, and once the Southampton goalkeeper goes the right way he can hardly fail to stop it!
Could Saido Berahino score an actual goal? He’s placed the ball on the spot …
And now Stoke have a penalty! And Virgil van Dijk, on his return to the Southampton team, has given it away!
GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Southampton (Diouf, 40 mins)
A corner from the right is fizzed into the area, and Diouf flashes a header home!