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Crystal Palace lost a seventh successive game while late goals swung matches at West Ham and West Brom

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Sat 30 Sep 2017 12.11 EDTFirst published on Sat 30 Sep 2017 08.45 EDT
Marouane Fellaini celebrates scoring the second goal.
Marouane Fellaini celebrates scoring the second goal. Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images
Marouane Fellaini celebrates scoring the second goal. Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images

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Peter Crouch does some grinning:

They threw everything at us. I thought they played well today, Southampton. Thankfully we held out, dug in and got the three points. When you get an opportunity you just try to make an impact. It’s the best impact, scoring a goal. Of course it was important that we got the win today, after a couple of bad results. It’s a dark place to be, the training ground, when everyone’s away and you’ve lost before the international break.

“Paris St Germain appear to be decapitating Bordeaux, putting the bonce in the basket five times in the half!” reports Paul Carrington. This is the first time this has ever happened.

5 - El París SG ha marcado cinco goles en un primer tiempo de un partido de Ligue 1 por primera vez en su historia. Manita. pic.twitter.com/fFqhrRCvMe

— OptaJose (@OptaJose) September 30, 2017

Double substitution of the day: Slaven Bilic brought Masuako and Sakho on in the 78th minute of their game against Swansea, and 12 minutes later Masuako ran down the left and crossed, and Sakho scored the winner. Was that the moment that saved Bilic’s job (for now)?

Final scores: Stoke have beaten Southampton by two goals to one! And also, West Ham have beaten Swansea by a single goal to no goals!

Final score: That is the final meaningful moment of the match, as West Brom have blown a two-goal lead and take just a point from Watford.

GOAL! West Brom 2-2 Watford (Richarlison, 90+5 mins)

Watford take a free-kick, four and a half minutes into the advertised four minutes of stoppage time. Everyone goes up. The goalkeeper’s in there. Holebas swings in a lovely cross, and Richarlison heads in!

Watford’s Richarlison heads in from Holebas’ free-kick. Photograph: Mike Egerton/PA
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Aha, an aspect of American culture about which I was unaware: they put scones into baskets and then call them biscuits. Also, as Richard Morris points out, scampi come in baskets. And bread.

@Simon_Burnton 'Biscuits in baskets' is a common sight in southern US kitchens and restaurants. (Ours are the 'good' kind of biscuit) pic.twitter.com/KRTpWyeMl3

— Richard Broaddus (@RichardBroaddus) September 30, 2017

Birmingham are in the bottom three and their goal difference is taking an absolute battering: it’s now Hull 6-0 Birmingham.

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GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Swansea (Sakho, 90 mins)

A low cross from the left, a flying leg flung out at the far post, and West Ham have stolen the points!

Diafra Sakho slides in to score late. Photograph: Dan Mullan/Getty Images
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“‘Yes, they put the baby in the basket and sent it up the Nile! Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Priceless,” daydreams Becket DeChant. It could happen.

GOAL! Stoke 2-1 Southampton (Crouch, 85 mins)

That, it must be said, is scrappy. The ball pings about the penalty for a while before being kicked into Peter Crouch’s leg, and from there it flies in!

Peter Crouch celebrates after scoring from close range. Photograph: Craig Brough/Action Images/Reuters
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More news from north of the border: Celtic no longer losing! Callum McGregor has his second of the day, and it’s 2-2.

“Lotion. Lotion is put in the basket. Also baby Moses. And kittens,” writes Kári Tulinius. I’m not convinced about lotion baskets, but I would love to hear a commentator use the baby Moses one.

Scotland update: I say update, but it’s the first mention of the Scots today. Anyway, big news: Celtic are losing a dometic football match! It’s Celtic 1-2 Hibernian!

GOAL! Stoke 1-1 Southampton (Yoshida, 75 mins)

A corner from the left is cleared back to the taker, and this cross is flicked on and flies to Yoshida at the far post, who lashes in a lightning volley that crashes into the roof of the net!

Southampton’s Maya Yoshida volleys in the equaliser. Photograph: Darren Staples/Reuters
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Meanwhile the teams for the evening game in the Premier League are in:

Chelsea: Courtois, Rudiger, Christensen, Cahill, Azpilicueta, Kante, Bakayoko, Fabregas, Alonso, Hazard, Morata. Subs: Caballero, Pedro, Moses, Kenedy, Zappacosta, Willian, Batshuayi.
Man City: Ederson, Walker, Stones, Otamendi, Delph, De Bruyne, Fernandinho, Silva, Sane, Gabriel Jesus, Sterling. Subs: Bravo, Danilo, Gundogan, Mangala, Bernardo Silva, Alexander Zinchenko, Toure.
Referee: Martin Atkinson.

Here is today's team... #CHEMCI pic.twitter.com/UN68HS44NE

— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) September 30, 2017

Here we go... The team is in!

What do you make of our @HaysWorldwide line-up? #cfcvcity pic.twitter.com/EFC0Lv1kBc

— Manchester City (@ManCity) September 30, 2017

Meanwhile in Paris, these two are both on the scoresheet and appear to have made friends. PSG lead Bordeaux 3-0, in the first half.

Paris Saint-Germain’s Edinson Cavani celebrates scoring their second goal against Bordeaux with Neymar. Photograph: Benoit Tessier/Reuters

Watford are dominating the game as they search for an equaliser at the Hawthorns, but the best they seem to be able to do is shoot from the edge of the area, and most of those efforts get blocked or deflected. Holebas just curled a lovely corner into the area, but nobody got a touch – Kabasele came closest, and some Watford players seemed to believe/hope that he’d been pushed. The referee was not convinced.

The thrashing of the day appears to be taking place at Burton, where Wolves are now 4-0 up. Leo Bonatini has scored the latest.

Leo Bonatini fires in the fourth for Wolves. Photograph: Paul Currie/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock
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And now it’s Preston 2-2 Sunderland, both teams scoring in the space of three minutes! Sunderland were briefly behind.

@Simon_Burnton I'm an expat Canuck in Costa Rica, so ice hockey was my game. Let's borrow one for a goal: 'He put the biscuit in the basket'

— Costa Rica Fishing (@costaricafishin) September 30, 2017

Lovely alliteration, but totally senseless. Who puts biscuits into baskets?

Meanwhile in the Championship it’s now Preston 1-1 Sunderland, as the good times stubbornly refuse to roll for the visitors.

“How about ‘Fills the stocking like Santa’,” suggests William Ansell. Not strictly mesh-based, but it’s got a nice festive ring about it.

Palace should probably have had a penalty there. Schlupp got into the penalty area where Smalling tugged his shirt and gave him a gentle shove, but the referee was unimpressed.

GOAL! Manchester United 3-0 Crystal Palace (Fellaini, 48 mins)

A free kick on the left is crossed in by Rashford, and Fellaini is about two yards out and bizarrely unmarked when it flicks off his forehead and can go nowhere but in.

Marouane Fellaini heads in his second. Photograph: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images
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“Talk of Wigan v Castleford brings to mind what is surely the greatest (and most colourful) piece of sports commentary ever recorded,” writes Lewis Jones. Nice tip, it is very good.

On the other hand, maybe it’s best avoided. “Rather than West Ham v Swansea ‘live’ on your headline can I suggest a half time substitution of ‘live’ with ‘moribund’,” writes Ian Sargeant, who is at the game.

“I’ve just got home from work, it’s 12.52am in Australia a nice bottle of Pinot open,” writes Dominic Talimanidis. “I have the option of watching any game for the next 45. Which would you recommend?” I’d recommend going to bed and then finding a different job in the morning, but failing that I think the Hawthorns has been action central in the first half and is a good option, but West Ham v Swansea might turn interesting.

“Your reference to George Honeyman ‘popping one in the onion bag’ sounds straight out of a Roy of the Rovers annual circa 1976,” writes Ewen Atkinson. “Another I recall from back then is: ‘Pick that one out of the lobster pot!’ Mind you, that could be from Billy’s Boots. Do other readers know of any affectionate mesh-based metaphorical imagery for proper sets of goals with nets?” Ooh, maybe we can invent our own? “Thumps it in the noughts-and-crosses grid”, perhaps?

Premier League half-time scores:

Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester
Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace
Stoke 1-0 Southampton
West Brom 2-1 Watford
West Ham 0-0 Swansea

Half time whistles ring out across the land, and at Wigan the scoreboard engineer gets to work:

Boos around the DW Stadium as the scoreboard temporarily reads:

"WIGAN WARRIORS 1 CASTLEFORD TIGERS 0"

🙈 #wafc

— Paul Kendrick (@PKendrickWIG) September 30, 2017

Fraser Forster saves the penalty! Berahino sidefoots low to his right, but it’s not very hard and not very close to the corner, and once the Southampton goalkeeper goes the right way he can hardly fail to stop it!

The wait goes on for Berahino as Fraser Forster makes the save. Photograph: Alex Livesey/Getty Images
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And now Stoke have a penalty! And Virgil van Dijk, on his return to the Southampton team, has given it away!

GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Southampton (Diouf, 40 mins)

A corner from the right is fizzed into the area, and Diouf flashes a header home!

Mame Biram Diouf heads in the opener. Photograph: Dave Thompson/PA
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