Dermot Drummy was worried that he had become a failure in football. But the reality was that football failed him.
Drummy, 56, died on Monday and Arsenal will wear black armbands in their match with Huddersfield on Wednesday as a mark of respect to a hugely popular character within football.
Married father-of-three Drummy was a brilliant youth coach responsible for helping through the likes of Jack Wilshere, Nathan Ake and Ruben Loftus-Cheek and had a reputation for being an old school coach with traditional values and a great sense of humour.
It has left the football community stunned and upset because Drummy had always been seen as a happy-go-lucky man with an easy Cockney charm.
There was always a laugh and a smile and he put his heart and soul into his job in the youth set-up at Arsenal and Chelsea before moving into senior management with Crawley Town.
Drummy always maintained an infectious enthusiasm for football and having given his life to football, when football turned its back on him then it was a devastating sense of rejection.
He was a very proud man, even painting the dressing rooms himself at Crawley and when they sacked him - despite keeping them up with the smallest budget in the division - then it was a huge blow.
Arsenal boss Wenger said: “It’s very sad. He was very, very much appreciated here. He did an excellent job. He left us for Chelsea at the time at the time because he had a good proposal there.
“He was a sensitive man as well, it’s very difficult to understand what happened. His life was on the pitch and certainly he was very unhappy not to be on it any more. He had an outstanding record as youth coach here and after.
“We are all very sad here and certainly can only say all the people, all the young players he coached here and at Chelsea are certainly very sad today because he gave them a lot and contributed a lot to many of their careers.”
Chelsea boss Antonio Conte, whose side will also wear black armbands for their game with Swansea, said: “I want to pass my condolences to his family and his friends.
"It is a great importance to have this type of person, this type of figure to work for Chelsea in the academy to develop the young players and for sure this is a big loss. I think this for sure, we are sorry because this person was very important for this club."
Drummy began his own playing career at Arsenal, but became a cabbie when he did not make it and then moved into coaching in non-League before returning to his first club at youth level.
It was there that he established himself as a coach committed to playing good football, good sessions and helping the likes of Wilshere, Kieran Gibbs and Fabrice Muamba come through.
Drummy later moved to Chelsea and won the 2009/10 FA Youth Cup in his first full season, which was the academy's first Youth Cup victory in 49 years.
He helped through the likes of Loftus-Cheek, Ake and Tammy Abraham, and a host of players have paid tributes on social media.
But the Premier League’s move away to the Elite Player Performance Plan and academies meant more form filling than coaching for old school coaches and it is hard to argue the standard of academy and under-23s football in the Premier League II has improved.
That eventually led to Drummy leaving Chelsea after filling a different, marginalised role and he went to Crawley Town where his sacking last summer after one season in charge hit him hard .
He was desperate to get back into management but was applying for jobs and not even getting replies — shameful considering his reputation and proven track record.
Drummy was doing a management course at St George’s Park and was hopeful of getting back into the game before his sudden death on Monday. He even spent three days last week at Chelsea’s training ground.
His friend, John Yems, a member of Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe’s backroom staff, said: “If in this day experience is referred to as being a dinosaur, and being honest, hard working and being able to make people smile in adversity, then I’m privileged and proud to be in the same dinosaur camp as Dermot Drummy.”
Drummy’s brother, Liam, said: “All the members of the Drummy family are immensely proud of Dermot’s achievements in football and privately as a warm and loving father and brother.”
Drummy gave his life to football and football owes him a huge debt.