It's back.
IT'S ACTUALLY BACK.
After nearly three months of transfer rumours, obscene amounts of Parisian money and absurdly over-the-top signing announcements on Twitter, the Premier League has finally returned.
With the 2017/18 campaign set to kick off with Leicester vs Arsenal on Friday night, excitement is building. Anticipation is at fever pitch. For fans of all 20 clubs, anything seems possible.
And yet, even with all those infinite possibilities, there are still plenty of things you just KNOW are going to happen…
1. Alvaro Morata will go three games without scoring for Chelsea, resulting in Manchester United fans everywhere to say they never rated him at all, even when he was their Twitter profile picture
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2. Wayne Rooney's brief return to goalscoring form will lead to a recall to the England squad. He'll be acclaimed as the nation's bright new hope
Image:
Action Images via Reuters)
3. Alexandre Lacazette will score 15 times in his first 10 Arsenal appearances, before fizzling out some time around November to prove he's a true Arsenal player
Image:
Arsenal FC/Getty)
4. Angered by the new rules banning elaborate pitch designs, the Leicester groundsman will stealthily get "up yours Premier League" on the grass at the King Power Stadium
Image:
Getty Images Europe)
5. Jurgen Klopp and his best man David Wagner (yes, really) will spend the whole of Liverpool v Huddersfield games smiling and bantering on the touchline, before lining up both of their teams to celebrate with their fans after a 2-2 draw at Anfield
Image:
Getty)
6. About a month into the season, Spurs will realise that they really should have signed someone
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Getty)
7. Romelu Lukaku's first touch will be forensically analysed for the first few weeks of the season
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REUTERS)
8. Hearing fans/managers/players talking about their trip to play Spurs at Wembley being "like a cup final" will quickly get very boring
Image:
PA)
9. Because he's signed for West Ham, Javier Hernandez will inevitably spend several months out with a bizarre injury
Image:
Getty)
10. Pep Guardiola will attempt to create a formation which gets Sergio Aguero, Gabriel Jesus, Kevin De Bruyne, Bernardo Silva, David Silva, Raheem Sterling and Leroy Sane on the pitch
Image:
AFP/Getty)
11. And he'll play at least part of one game without a goalkeeper
Image:
AFP)
12. Every single Premier League signing will be described in terms of how many of them you could have bought for one Neymar
Image:
Getty)
13. Romelu Lukaku and Paul Pogba will introduce a dance move you've never heard of to the Premier League, which will soon become so well known that it enters the dictionary
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14. The Watford XI which lines up in their opening game of the season will be completely different to the Watford XI which lines up in their final game of the season
Image:
Warren Little)
15. Jake Humphrey will make so many references to Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard 'managing to play together' during BT Sport coverage that one of them will eventually ask him to give him a rest
16. Paul Scholes will refuse to be part of the banter
Image:
@btsportfootball/Twitter)
17. Expected goals - Opta's new stat which tells you how many goals a player/team SHOULD have scored - will very quickly become a thing you hear people using to win pub arguments
18. Harry Kane will finally score a goal in August and upset lovers of statty things (he never scores in August)
Image:
Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images)
19. Big Sam will take a job with Burnley/West Brom/Stoke/Swansea/Any other potential struggler at some point in February/March
Image:
Laurence Griffiths)
20. The bloke from Arsenal Fan TV will appear on Match of the Day at some point
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BBC)
21. The new two-game bans for diving means at least one player will be accused of deliberately flinging himself to the ground in mid-December, in an attempt to get Christmas off
22. Dele Alli will be linked with a £200million move to Real Madrid
23. Jose Mourinho will make a patronising comment ahead of Man United vs Newcastle, about how he remembers when he and Rafa Benitez used to meet in the Champions League
Image:
Getty)
24. Big clashes in late February will see Sky Sports brand up Super Mega Red Blue Manchester London Strong and Stable Sunday. It will end in a damp squib, with Arsenal v Manchester City and Manchester United v Chelsea both ending in goalless draws
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25. Tony Pulis will react to an unfavourable refereeing decision by jumping up and down in his box-fresh trainers and opening his mouth wider than seems humanly possible
Image:
Getty)
26. Regardless of how well he's doing, Craig Shakespeare will get a 'vote of confidence' from the Leicester board as soon as they lose a couple of games
Image:
Plumb Images)
27. The words 'Carabao Cup' will sounds as ridiculous at the end of the season as they do now
Image:
@Carabao_Cup /Twitter)
28. There will be a week during which Daniel Sturridge will come back into the Liverpool first team, score and get injured
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29. A fine N'Golo Kante performance early in the season will have at least one pundit saying that Chelsea don't miss Nemanja Matic… because the little Frenchman does the jobs of two men
30. Wayne Rooney's impact off the pitch will be billed as more important than on it
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Everton FC via Getty)
31. Eddie Howe will be linked with the England job after Bournemouth string two wins together
Image:
PA Wire)
32. Pep Guardiola's obsession with signing full-backs goes wonky and Man City accidentally buy Wales and British & Irish Lions star Leigh Halfpenny
Image:
Getty Images)
33. Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville will finally push the Twitter banter too far, so one of them will actually get offended and demand an apology (and yes, that one will blatantly be Neville)
Image:
Rex Features)
34. Chemists in the West Bromwich area sell out of earplugs and headache tablets as the players try to cope with the Tony Pulis/Gary Megson double act, with Megson back at the Hawthorns as a coach
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Getty)
35. Klopp will smash his glasses (at least once) celebrating a Liverpool goal with his players
Image:
Sportimage/PA Images)
36. The Jose Mourinho - Antonio Conte rift will become so fierce, Mourinho will have to resist the urge to poke him in the eye
Image:
Sky Sports)
37. The prospect of watching the national team limp out of a major tournament in the last 16 means England fans will show no interest in the 2018 World Cup next summer and will choose to simply keep talking about the 2017/18 Premier League instead
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