England’s victory over Malta was one of the worst piles of dross ever served up by the Three Lions
WELL at least Wayne Rooney avoided 53 minutes of public disgrace here.
Sometimes being nicked for drink-driving has nothing on being an England footballer.
NEW CUSTOMER OFFER: ENGLAND NOW 33/1 TO BEAT SLOVAKIA WITH SUN BETS
But it is often something of a car crash when the Three Lions are involved.
And while three late goals against these tiring amateurs avoided that fate, the majority of this Group F qualifier against Malta's part-timers — before Harry Kane's second-half opener — was right down there with the very worst of the dross ever served up by an England team.
Rooney, who quit the gig just over a week ago, has lived through humiliations such as Iceland, Algeria, our swiftest World Cup exit in history and, of course, the entire Steve McClaren reign.
Until strikes from Ryan Bertrand, Danny Welbeck and a second from Kane, this looked destined to rank alongside that litany of lows.
England were rightly booed and jeered by their own supporters, a large number of whom had left by the time Bertrand netted the second on 85 minutes. This was not a performance to make them proud.
most read in football
It was a performance to make them flee for the bars.
Malta are ranked 190th in the world, for heaven's sake. Although if Kim Jong-Un takes out Guam, they will move up to 189th.
Yet England made them look like reasonable players, such was the lack of wit and wherewithal among a group of multi-millionaires frequently unable to pass a ball over ten yards.
Under boss Gareth Southgate, we've heard much fine talk of the spirit of the All Blacks, the Royal Marines and pride in the shirt — although it looked like a Scotland shirt.
Plus all the other guff that sounds like bullet-point presentations at seminars for middle-managers. Southgate is relentlessly positive — but on nights like these he can almost sound delusional.
The reality is that England lacked intelligence and verve almost as starkly in Mdina as they had against Iceland at the Euros last summer.
Rooney had carried the can as captain that night.
Last night, he probably had too much explaining to do to be able to watch this.
Lucky old him.
The crowd began shouting Rooney's name after half an hour, interspersed with chants of 'We're f****** s***'.
It is rather difficult to put it any more succinctly and accurately.
When Southgate's rabble were booed off at half-time by thousands of English fans, many of whom were having perfectly good sunshine holidays spoiled, it felt as though the nation was simply sick to the stomach of its footballers.
After a transfer window in which £1.4billion was not so much spent as spewed up by Premier League clubs, it is little wonder.
Southgate fielded a rightwing duo of Kyle Walker and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, a pair which fetched £80m this summer.
But apart from his baffling belief in Jake Livermore as an international footballer, it wasn't as if Southgate got his selection badly wrong.
Keeping faith in keeper Joe Hart was a strange one but it didn't matter against this Maltese mob.
England simply lack anyone with the inventiveness of Rooney at his peak — which is long in the past.
Dele Alli is beginning to seriously frustrate in an England shirt, contrasted with the sorcery he often produces for Tottenham.
He was hauled off midway through the second half and England improved thereafter.
Raheem Sterling only made it until half-time, having had a shocker.
And the idea that England can progress in Russia next summer with such dismal options in central midfield is fanciful.
Rooney's drink-driving arrest, just a week after his international retirement, provided an extraordinary backdrop to what was expected to be a straightforward test.
The England manager had not been saddened by his former captain's departure, whatever the tear-stained PR script agreed by both sides.
And yet if you offered to send him a time 1 machine for the Rooney of 2004, he'd bite your hand off. It needs brilliance and imagination to unlock a packed defence and England had none of that until Malta's lungs went late on.
With the exception of Kane's driven second-half display and a bright showing from half-time sub Marcus Rashford, they were horribly sloppy.
A banner at the Ta' Qali Stadium proclaimed 'Small island, big balls' — and, despite their lowly ranking, the Maltese showed plenty of cojones.
They had stubbornly restricted England to two first-half goals on Southgate's maiden night in charge of the senior team at Wembley last October.
Yet — despite the scoreline — this performance was worse than that. From the moment Livermore sent a simple pass into touch, it rarely lifted above the dismal.
There is a belief, given the paucity of quality in this group, that England will win it however badly they play.
But the dark clouds of an imminent sewage storm are gathering.
Another performance like this against a half-decent Slovakia side at Wembley on Monday — and Southgate is going to need a brolly.
⚽ EXCLUSIVE OFFER: England now 33/1 beat Slovakia ⚽
FANCY the Three Lions to coast to victory against Slovakia at Wembley?
Well get on Sun Bets' huge 33/1 (new customers only) for England to win their World Cup qualifier.