I could curse when people use the C-word about Tottenham at Wembley - stadiums don't lose matches... plus, Arsenal missed a trick by missing the flicks and England cricketers need to know their boundaries and use their nut (but not like that, Jonny)

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Does Martin Samuel even watch cricket? Most of his articles about it smell of a man who just sees the headlines on Sky Sports News and recycles it onto here. Harry, Leicester.

Samuel, we do not need you stating the obvious. Chief sports writer? Chief armchair sports writer more like. Noall Kirke, Cardiff.

Chief 'whoopee another jolly for me writer'. Dave Stockport, Stockport.

Samuel again? How is he in several places at the same time? Only God is omnipresent. Oh, it's TV watching? Surely not, I can do that. Ericjimbob, Tunbridge Wells.

Actually, mate, you couldn't even do that. Even if I were sat at home watching it all on television, I would still need to stay awake and observant. And that's not really your strong point, is it Eric, or that of any of the people here? 

The first report I filed from Australia last week, a preview of the Test built around Joe Root's pre-match press conference, mentioned being sat outside The Odeon room at the Sofitel hotel in Brisbane. I still write columns about other issues in sport but, plainly – if you're paying attention – I'm at The Ashes. And I'm not at a different Ashes to the ones Sky Sports News are covering, Harry, so if they are talking about Steve Smith's 141 not out, there's a fair chance I might be writing about that, too. It's the story of that day's play, after all. 

I watched Steve Smith's impressive knock for Australia in the first Test at the Gabba

If an event is live, and I am writing on it, 99.9 per cent of the time, I'm there. I wrote a commentary when Lewis Hamilton won the drivers' championship this year without going to Mexico – I was at Manchester United's match with Tottenham that weekend instead, and I was going to the Anthony Joshua fight in Cardiff until Kubrat Pulev pulled out – but I made sure my piece was about him, not the race. And as I've interviewed him, attended his races, and sat down with him in Abu Dhabi the morning after he won his second championship, I think I'm able to do that. There was no deceit, nothing in the piece that sought to give the impression I was in Mexico. I don't like it when newspapers do that; I think it's cheating. 

So, as authenticity goes, I've made three last-minute dashes to Melbourne just in case Andy Murray won the Australian Open, which he didn't – and one last-minute dash to New York in case he won the US Open, which he did. That meant I was the only chief sports writer present for his first Grand Slam. 

I flew to Uruguay in 2009 in case Argentina got knocked out of the World Cup; I did England v South Africa in Perth as an overnight trip at the 2003 Rugby World Cup, came home, then flew out for the final. I was in Karachi when England beat Pakistan in the dark, and in Jamaica when England were bowled out for 51. 

I saw Jenson Button win his championship, in Brazil, and Sir Steve Redgrave win his fifth gold. I was in Medinah in 2012 and Congressional the year before for Rory McIlroy's US Open. And this list has a point. When I first started doing this job, chief sports writer, 17 years ago, I was very aware that those in a similar position on other newspapers had banks of memories superior to mine. 

I was 36 and, in the main, a football writer. Some of my colleagues had covered the 1966 World Cup or the Munich Olympics. They had met Ali, they knew George Best. I had to play catch up, get my own frames of reference. And over time I've done my best to do that. So I believe in going to events, meeting the protagonists, absorbing the atmosphere, trying to be as informed as I can. And I'm very lucky that various newspapers have backed me in these endeavours. 

So, from my point of view, I really don't care if a person without the critical faculties to process information thinks I am not in Australia; but I feel quite protective about any newspaper that invests in its journalists, and spends good money sending them abroad. 

The Mail, and other titles, have more than one journalist here – and we'll soon have another in Brisbane for the Rugby League World Cup final. So, no, we're not doing it off the sofa. 

And, Dave in Stockport, it isn't a jolly. A jolly would be sitting in front of your computer and tossing off two lines of sneering, negative, uninformed, dribble, without insight or purpose which, in the many years of writing this column, is all I have ever known you to do.

And now, onto five points – which this week comes from Brisbane. As does this, which I'm claiming as the pop song of the year. Never forget, this is what our children could be listening to, if we could only ween them off X Factor.

Point one: about big strikers in the England team.

When you think how many fouls were given against Peter Crouch at international level just for being tall then if Andy Carroll wants to break back into the England squad, cutting the violence out of his game should be up there with keeping fit and scoring goals. He wouldn't last five minutes in tournament football. Nick, Aylesbury.

He wouldn't last five minutes at a club that hasn't been in deep crisis all season, to be frank, Nick. He last scored for West Ham on April 1 and that is his only goal for the club since February 4. This season, he has four yellow cards, one red card and no goals, so before there is any discussion of the man as an international footballer he needs to address that. 

I don't think he is good enough to play for England and I'm not even convinced by him at his current level. He is frequently injured – as he was again on Wednesday night at Everton – and the odd game in which the service is perfect and he looks a handful doesn't compensate for all those in which one wouldn't notice him were it not for the fouls. 

Peter Crouch's record suggests he is in a different class as goalscorer, although I thought he reached his limit with England. I know he had a very respectable 22 goals in 42 international appearances, but his impact was greatest against the small to middle ranking teams and, as you said, he was limited by referees who used his height against him.

Andy Carroll has not scored a Premier League goal since April 1 and is not convincing

Point two: Oumar Niasse, diving and retrospective action.

The problem is that probably only in a fifth of penalties does the attacker have to go to ground – those situations where a player is running at full pace and is clipped or fouled, causing a trip. Most of the time there is just enough contact to put the attacker off balance, causing him to lose his footing and fail to shoot properly. So if I'm in front of goal and feel contact enough to put me off my stride, but not enough to fall down, would you expect me to be honest, stay on my feet and scuff a shot wide – because we know for a fact the referee will not give a penalty unless I fall down? It is the same when attackers are being grappled and having their shirts pulled in the box. That would never cause a fall, but to get the foul they deserve they need to do it so the referees take notice. Bittu, Wycombe.

I think if we are going to have more cases like Niasse's, this must go hand in hand with an initiative to encourage referees to award a penalty, even if the fouled player isn't always sent sprawling to the floor. If we have one without the other, the impact of a good scheme is lost. Having said this, the fact Niasse is the first to be punished suggests the Football Association are still giving players sufficient leeway – and understandably so. I don't think it can be proved that Richarlison of Watford, to highlight one notable incident, dived at all.

If you watch any non-League game nobody dives and if a player does go down it is serious; but watch any top division game and it's comical and plain cheating. Start deducting points. MCW72, Birmingham.

No, that would be utterly disproportionate for such a borderline offence. Equally, I don't think you are correct about the moral superiority of non-League football. More likely, there is scant television coverage so few replays, and everything is judged in real time. If that was the case in the Premier League, half of what we now term simulation would be accepted on face value as a foul.

What if a late tackle threatens damage, you jump to avoid contact, as Gareth Bale often did, lose balance and fall, the referee fails to call it as a foul, and it is then reviewed after as a dive? Grey area. Banzai Guerilla, United Kingdom.

Not at all. If the referee failed to give a foul the review panel wouldn't be involved anyway – they only act in cases where a penalty has been awarded or a player sent off. And if he did give a foul, the fact that those judging are ex-professionals should mean they spot that evasive action caused the tumble. And don't forget, it needs the unanimous verdict of three people for proceedings to go ahead.

The problem is if a player dives anywhere else on pitch there is no punishment – and if the referee spots as dive it is only a yellow card; but dive and win a penalty and you get a two-match ban. It is inconsistent. Diving should be red card, two-match ban wherever it is on pitch to make it the same punishment. Macca123us, Aberdeen.

Again, you're seeing problems where there are none. If the referee spots it, then no advantage occurs, so the dive receives a yellow card. For a dive to end up in front of the panel, either a successful penalty has resulted, or the opposition has been reduced to 10 men; so a significant advantage attained. Niasse won a penalty, unfairly, in a match that ended 2-2. The impact of his action was very important and was punished accordingly; it was not the same as a dive near the centre circle, that the referee picked up and sanctioned at the time.

We listen week in and week out on Match of the Day to players and managers justifying contact in the area. What made Niasses's fall any different? He didn't appeal for a penalty or go rolling around on the ground as some of the more famous divers do. I look forward to you being as forthright in your comments on other incidents in the weeks to come. Collywobbles, United Kingdom.

To be fair, I'm accused of a lot of things but not being forthright isn't one of them. I've seen some of the other incidents that people have said might go up for review and this is genuinely the first one I thought was, indisputably, a dive. Just because we've previously had a tolerance for this type of behaviour doesn't make it right. Anything you don't stop, you encourage. We've encouraged for too long, and now we're stopping. It's about time.

Let's see if your argument is the same if it's a British player like Jamie Vardy or Dele Ali. The media normally make an excuse for them, like 'it's because he's running so fast' or 'he's not that type of player'. Richard, Northamptonshire.

Oh gawd, this old chestnut. That's just rubbish mate. If I think a player has dived, I always say so. I really couldn't care less what passport he holds.

Point three: about Tottenham's win over Borussia Dortmund on September 13. Bear with me – some things are worth waiting for.

Er, Mr Samuel. There isn't a Wembley curse, there never was a Wembley curse, the only people that ever thought there was were two-bit silly pundits like you. You invented it. It never existed. It is absolute rubbish created by daft hacks with a brain the size of a pea. And, no, I haven't read a word of your unnecessary, irrelevant pointless piece. I saw the game, I know what happened and I don't need yet another ridiculous analysis by you or any of your irrelevant friends. What on earth do we need these so-called journalists for? I'd rather hear from a fan's forum, join me in trying to get rid of these utterly dim-witted hacks like Samuel. Ivor Point, England.

Please do. Seriously, readers, please do. If you would like a pillock like this speaking on your behalf, or feeding you information, feel free to jump ship. You might have some trouble finding dear old Ivor because he's narrowed his location down to an entire country and he's hiding his real name behind a playground pun that wouldn't have made it through quality control at The Dandy in 1972, but if you think the height of intellectual reasoning is a man who takes issue with a piece he admits he hasn't read, then this really isn't the page for you. We're thinking on here, most of us. We might not agree, but at least we take the time to engage with what has been written before committing our thoughts. 

Salomon Rondon (right) squeezed this in for West Brom as Spurs stuttered (again) at Wembley

For the record, I didn't actually use the word curse anywhere in the match report that night. Anyone who reads a word I have written, on West Ham or Tottenham, will know I don't believe stadiums lose football matches. I think they become a handy excuse, and players like excuses when things go wrong. 

Anyway, here's what I wrote about that issue on the night Tottenham defeated Dortmund. 'One result does not a turning point make, but at least Tottenham will stop associating Wembley with misfortune after this. Those that believe in fate – and Wembley has made Tottenham fans increasingly open to talk of jinxes in recent weeks – may view three minutes in the second half as the moment their luck changed.' 

So, no curses, just an acknowledgement that some Tottenham supporters were worried that results would dip at their temporary home. And it provoked the response above. Green ink letters we used to call them, in the days before new technology. Anything written in green ink, well, you pretty much knew what was inside. 

I was going to reply to Ivor Braincell (And, Blimey, Is It Lonely) in the debate the next week, but then I was on holiday and we did a couple of one-topic specials when I came back and the moment passed. And then, looking through the files I use to compile this column, I came across it – just at the moment I was made aware of the result against West Brom. I think we've seen enough of Tottenham this season now to say that, while there most certainly is not a curse, they haven't been as effective at Wembley as they were at White Hart Lane. 

How has a dim-witted hack reached this conclusion? Maybe it's the nine points they have dropped at home already this season. One has to count back to March 5 on the 2015-16 campaign and then continue for the entirety of the 2016-17 campaign for them to drop as many points at White Hart Lane. 

Equally, if we look at the opponents that they have failed to beat at home this season – Chelsea, Burnley, Swansea and West Brom – we will find they had very different results last season: namely four wins, 2-0, 2-1, 5-0 and 4-0. So that's three points versus 12 and a goal difference of minus one, against a goal difference of plus 12. 

So while I say again, there is no curse, Ivor's analysis of sunlit uplands is looking a little, well, thick. So stick with five points, kids. It might not always be fun, but it's educational. And we've got the best tunes.

Point four: about changing times, and players passing through or game.

I don't agree with Martin Samuel's assessment of the relationship home-grown players have with a club. Footballers have a career and, no different to other walks of life, they will change employers if they consider it a positive career move. Some of the strongest players in the Arsenal team of 1988-89 were examples of this: Alan Smith, Lee Dixon, Nigel Winterburn and Steve Bould all joined from smaller clubs. You don't have to be foreign to just be passing through. Anthony, London.

Find where I specified foreign players in that column, Anthony, and win a cookie. I specifically mentioned that English players, such as Theo Walcott, did not attend the premiere of 1989, either (I was wrong about Aaron Ramsey who pulled out of the Wales squad after the France game, not before, so was away on the night, apologies there). 

My point is that modern footballers often have less feeling for the club, its history, and the players that have gone before than they did previously. There is no way this can be proved, but I would argue the Arsenal team that won the title in 1989 probably had more respect and felt more affinity for the Double-winning team of 1971 than modern players now feel for previous generations. 

We have bought into this idea that football started in 1992 and that today's game is almost a different sport. I know that's what frustrates men like Graeme Souness, the jargon and the idea that today's coaches are reinventing the wheel. Brendan Rodgers did not create the concept of passing out from the back at Liverpool. They did a bit of it when they won four European Cups, too. 

I thought it was quite sad that a film had been made about one of the most glorious nights, and seasons, in Arsenal's history and only Jack Wilshere of the current squad turned up for the premiere. I thought that said something about the disconnection between a modern club – not just Arsenal, all clubs – and its past. It wasn't a commentary on foreign players, at all – but it is a fact that in the days when a reasonable percentage of the squad came through the youth team, English football seemed to have greater affinity to its roots.

If I was footballer, playing and training at such high intensity, I would want to shut down during the international break. The film will still be there after or have our legends forgotten the importance of rest to a player's body? Man O, United Kingdom.

Too puffed out to go to the local pictures on Holloway Road? This weekend, after Antonio Conte had moaned about Chelsea's fixture schedule, Eden Hazard jumped on a plane to go to the Davis Cup final in Lille and Tiemoue Bakayoko attended Monaco versus Paris Saint-Germain. That is the life of a modern footballer. Stop being such a drama queen.

How do you know the players haven't seen the film? Promotional copies are always available to industry insiders. Michael, Watford.

It wasn't just about seeing the film, Michael. It was about turning up as a show of respect for the men that are its subject.

Why should footballers be different to other people? If you received a letter from your work inviting you to an event celebrating that Mr Smith's sales team won 'Stationary Cupboard of the Year 1989', would you turn up? Department S, United Kingdom.

Yes, that's right mate. The greatest climax to a football season ever – it beats the Sergio Aguero goal, because the two teams were actually shooting it out on the same pitch – compared to some fictional drivel about a stationary cupboard. What a fine sense of perspective you have.

Past is for old reporters, old players and fans. Present and future is for young journalists, young players and fans. Ren, Portland.

Well, we've heard from Ren – maybe we'll get more sense out of Stimpy.

And indeed we did. But just in case anyone remains confused, here's Pat from Exeter.

You obviously don't understand the importance of history and shared memories. Why do you think so many adopted children feel the need to find out about their biological parents? Why are TV programmes such as Who Do You Think You Are? so popular? It's because we feel a need to connect to our roots and believe that understanding where we came from helps us understand ourselves. Everything has a history, even the latest technology is built on work from the past and, yes, you can if you wish ignore that and pretend that we owe those earlier pioneers nothing, but most people choose to acknowledge their debt to those who did the groundwork. Pat57, Exeter.

And then there's people like this…

George Graham managing Tottenham is a bigger travesty than players not attending a movie premiere. If he can ignore Arsenal's historic rivalry, so can the current players. However passionate the fans are, for people involved with football, it's just a job. How many people who are criticising the current players will happily turn up to the office on their day off to watch a film on their company's achievement 30 years ago? Players from previous generations belittle current players in the media, then expect to be acknowledged. Keeping them relevant today just because they won a football title isn't the players' responsibility. They rightly received accolades back then and the world moved on. AtlantaUnitedFC, Atlanta.

Ah yes, a lecture on history from someone whose own club played its first MLS game on March 6 this year. Tell you what, come back and see us in, say, the next century, you can pontificate on historical significance and someone might care.

The premiere was invite only. Jack Wilshere was the only one invited from the current players. ITrafalgar, Perth.

So you are seriously suggesting that if, say, Alexis Sanchez had expressed a desire to go, he would have been turned away at the door? That Petr Cech would have been reduced to buying off a tout? Don't be so silly. The Arsenal players from 1989 were clearly expecting a greater turnout because Paul Davis made a brief mention of it in a column he wrote in The Verdict last Monday. That's what prompted me to write the column. Davis thought it a pity, and a missed opportunity, and so did I.

This could have been a much-needed bonding experience for all the available Arsenal players. If the same were to happen to Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool, even Tottenham, I think there would be a much bigger turn out. Is it the players fault though, or a badly prepared PR department? Paranoidis Android, Leeds.

Fair point, PA. With a few individual exceptions, Arsenal's media department is mediocre. They've got one of the easiest jobs in football and everything is too much trouble. They want to keep everything in-house. Fine, so here was a fantastic opportunity to make a big deal of this film, in-house. And they blew it. They should have all been there, Arsenal players past and present. Maybe the club was just ticked off that they didn't think of it first.

Point five: all things cricket. So, headbutts, nights out, the media, nationality, anything but cricket really.

Maybe the reason Australian cricketers are left to themselves at press conferences is because the authorities know that the press over there won't take quotes out of context or twist what's said to fit their agenda, but just report what is said and let the reader draw a conclusion. Kevin, Rhyl.

Not read an Australian newspaper in your life, have you mate?

So how many cricketers in the English team are actually English? Pauline, Perth.

All of them, actually, Pauline. You've got the wrong set of tourists. By the way, what's the time where you are? Is it 1963 yet? What? What? She started it.

Jonny Bairstow has been making headlines Down Under - but not for actions on the pitch

I'm sorry, but what is everyone on about? When was the last time Australia lost at the Gabba? Against anyone? Please check that out before you go off on one. England will come back into this and I'm betting when they do they'll win the series. Leigh32, Leicester.

If you're betting, I'm laying. The last time Australia lost a series having won the first Test at the Gabba was the Ashes in 1954-55.

The way you journalists are going on you'd think Jonny Bairstow shot somebody and made a run for it. Grow up and let the guys have some fun every now and again. These men work so hard to be prepared mentally and physically for these tours. They've been professionals all their lives and yet you mean to tell me they don't deserve to go out and blow off some steam? Muchengeti Chivaura, Harare.

Surely what matters unless someone has been convicted of criminal behaviour is winning? Many of the great players in the past like Fred Trueman, Sir Ian Botham, Harold Larwood and Denis Compton were no angels. If they didn't break any laws and if what they did off the pitch didn't impact on what they did on it, so what? Yet more PC nonsense. Let's focus on trying to win and let's put our best side out to do that – and Ben Stokes should be in it. MPS, London.

Except it did impact on what Bairstow did on the pitch, because the Australians said they used what happened in Perth to get inside his head, and get him out cheaply – and it remains possible that Stokes did break laws, considering he was arrested and may yet be charged. The case is currently with the Crown Prosecution Service. Apart from that, well argued. Nobody is asking players to be angels or not to let off steam. Just don't get arrested, don't play into the hands of the opposition, don't behave in a way that is entirely counter-productive to your reason for being here in the first place. Not too much to ask that, surely?

Tough one, isn't it? Lads abroad for months need some kind of release but English cricket really doesn't need more bad publicity. I think without the Stokes incident no-one would care about Bairstow. And if England were winning, they would care even less. But stop giving people ammunition. Heads down for a bit, eh lads? James1975, Preston.

That is pretty much all that is being asked. Not much, really, is it?

There is a difference between remaining teetotal and going out boozing on the first night. If Bairstow had simply had a drink with his dinner, or had shaken hands and had a quiet beer with Bancroft when they met, which I assume Martin is how you behave when you're introduced to an Australian cricket or football journalist, it would be a non-story. The stupidity is that Bairstow made himself the story and created an unnecessary distraction, and what the first test showed is that the last thing England needs is an unnecessary distraction. Stephen, Canberra.

Spot on, Stephen. The cricket press corps is away for months on end just the same, and we probably go out much more than the team, because we're not athletes in training. And yet no-one gets arrested and no-one greets Gideon Haigh with a cordial head-butt. And we're not angels, but there is a balance. That's all that is being asked, not by the media, but by the ECB and the coaching staff. Strike a balance, know the boundaries, use your nut. And, no Jonny, not in that way.

There is a drinking culture around the England team but give them a break, they are young men and it happens in all industries when groups of blokes are away from home. JCSB36 Newcastle.

Yes, but as we are discovering, a lot of things happened in many industries when blokes were away from home, and it turns out what was happening was not right. Just because there is historical precedent doesn't mean the behaviour was correct or acceptable. Circumstances change; sport changes; and sports people must change with it.

The English simply cannot handle real beer. Fresh, Sydney.

Well, they're in the right place then, Fresh. Don't think you'll ever be forgiven for Fosters or Castlemaine XXXX mate. Personally, I'm recommending Little Creatures Pale Ale from the west of the country, and this, Australia's finest, from Melbourne. One album every 16 years, but it's worth the wait. Since I Left You, the masterpiece, is 17 years old this week. But, more recently, there's this. Quite stunning, I hope you'll agree. Until next time.