Here is a memo to the elite clubs: Please stop moaning about fixtures, travel and the toll on players

• e-mail

Queer thing, the Champions League. Everyone wants to get in it and then, when they do, they never stop moaning.

About the fixtures, the travel, the toll on the players. Will no one think of the players? Yes, the same ones who are flown to Australia for a few quid the minute the season ends. For pity's sake, will nobody consider their physical wellbeing?

Everybody was unhappy this last weekend. Manchester United did not want to play Crystal Palace, Chelsea were not happy about facing Manchester City — and everybody had the hump with Liverpool for catching a break and a 4.30pm kick-off against Newcastle. None of the managers could understand why the Premier League did not do more to help them.

Elite clubs always want to make it into the Champions League but then moan when they do 

What form would this help take? Maybe a quick call from Richard Scudamore to ask Jose Mourinho what time he thought was appropriate to play the worst team in the league. Let's hope it didn't coincide with the time Antonio Conte wanted to play Manchester City, or there would be chaos.

And who was going to tell the television companies that for a fee measured in billions, no, they couldn't show the match they wanted, only the one that suited a handful of elite clubs. The ones who, coincidentally, are currently demanding an even bigger slice of broadcast revenue.

Conte complained most bitterly because his fixture was the hardest — Manchester City away. Sorry, at home, it's just that Chelsea played them as if it was at the Etihad.

Chelsea boss Antonio Conte complained the most because his side faced Manchester City

Strangely, though, he wasn't so vocal on the subject when facing Tottenham last November, the Saturday after they had returned from a must-win Champions League game in Monaco. Tottenham went ahead against Chelsea but faded after half-time and lost 2-1. Maybe they were tired, too, and would have benefited from a Sunday kick-off? Nobody at Chelsea seemed too interested in exploring that theory back then.

They want it all ways, these guys. The vast riches that European football brings, with none of the cost. How much easier do they need it to be?

Between September 13 and September 30, there were five occasions when an elite Premier League team led by three goals inside 31 minutes. Manchester United against CSKA Moscow (3-0 in 26 minutes), Tottenham at Huddersfield (23 minutes), Arsenal against BATE Borisov (25 minutes), Manchester City against Feyenoord (25 minutes) and at Watford (31 minutes).

Yet still they wish the schedule adjusted to their suiting — as if this would not bring to an end one of the last levelling mechanisms between the haves and have-nots in the English game.

They have all been thumping teams — Tottenham went 3-0 up at Huddersfield after 23 minutes

Crystal Palace haven't got a single player who would get in Manchester United's team. The same is true of Brighton and Arsenal, and Huddersfield and Tottenham. The only chance any of those clubs had at the weekend was if their elite opponents were coming off the back of a European fixture and had to make adjustments. Some players could be fatigued, others might be rested.

As it happened, none of that made a difference. The inferiors were swept aside, 10-0 on aggregate. Yet, still that isn't enough. The elite seem to want their supremacy gilt-edged and guaranteed. They will not be happy until there is no way they can be beaten. Who they think will pay to watch such one-sided rubbish, though, heaven knows.

Extravagant Aguero shows footballers can't buy luck 

Jimmy Greaves always said that in his playing days, the difference between the footballers and the fans was that, while they might be in the same pub, the players had the money to drink for longer. He put it at two or three extra rounds before the kitty ran out. 

That is why Sergio Aguero's unfortunate escapade in Amsterdam is being so harshly viewed. It is beyond the life experience of an ordinary person to pop to a foreign country by private plane for a concert. 

Yes, people travel more than they used to, and it is not unimaginable that a weekend away could take in a special show. But it would be the event of the year, planned well in advance. Money would be saved, prices compared, deals sought, scheduled airlines booked. 

It is Aguero's casual extravagance that is unfathomable to some. That a routine Thursday off could involve the swift summoning of a private plane, a concert in a foreign country and home again — as wholly unexceptional as a night out at the pictures. It isn't necessarily wrong, but it is too alien not to be judged. 

Sergio Aguero's day trip to Amsterdam cannot be fathomed by some and ended unfortunately

Dettori the ultimate raider of the Arc 

'It was too perfect,' said Frankie Dettori of his fifth Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe win on Enable, 'so smooth, so effortless.' 

Yes it was, but Dettori made it so. This was another tactical masterclass, keeping Enable out of trouble with so many Aiden O'Brien horses in the race. Two years ago, Dettori, given a poor draw on Golden Horn, elected to stay wide of the 17-strong field, and dropped in behind the pacemaker, perfectly positioned to strike for home. 

Many think it was the finest Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe run of modern times. This ride was not its equal — how could it be? — but nor was it simply a brilliant filly making it look easy. Dettori is this era's ultimate tactician. 

Frankie Dettori won his fifth Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe win on Enable and it was a masterclass

WAGs are not the problem

England have never gone out of a major tournament because the wives and girlfriends were there. Equally, they have never been eliminated because the wives and girlfriends stayed home.

The WAGs don't matter. They're a sideshow. Technique: that is what kills England teams. Passing. Keeping the ball. Thought. Game strategy. Every tournament exit has been about the football, not companionship, or the absence of it. 

Similarly, England have never fallen short because of the hotel or its location, the quality of the computer games on offer, the relative splendour of the training ground or whether the lads get to play golf or go on safari. 

All the topics that obsess us increasingly as a tournament draws near are incidentals. There are two qualifying games to go and Gareth Southgate is already being asked if he has a wives and girlfriends policy for Russia — as if this will be a factor in England's progress.

Gareth Southgate says he will encourage WAGs to travel to Russia with the England players

Really? What do family travel plans matter if his central midfield options include a player who cannot currently make West Brom's team? If England embark on another doomed campaign in Russia, it will be because there is a dearth of talent in the heart of the pitch, not because the creche facilities are inadequate. 

Jake Livermore, Jordan Henderson, Eric Dier, these are hard-working, limited players, who would not get a kick for Germany or Spain. A team can tolerate one, as a defensive presence, but not two or three. We are left hoping some of Pep Guardiola's stardust has been sprinkled on Fabian Delph, or that the Jack Wilshere story has an improbable happy ending.

In competition, England are undone by the basics, not by marginal gains. Team Sky have such attention to detail that they transport individual mattresses throughout the Tour de France, so every rider effectively sleeps in the same bed each night. Sounds brilliant, but what would it matter, if the cyclists kept falling off the bikes? That is England's problem: we need to learn how to pedal first.

Rebekah Vardy will be allowed to travel with her husband Jamie should he make it to Russia

Pep is right about 'Harry Kane team'

Much grumpiness among Tottenham fans after Pep Guardiola described them as 'the Harry Kane team'. Those in the room when he said it would argue it was intended more as a compliment to the player than a slur on his team-mates but, even so, why be offended by the truth? Kane is utterly essential to his club, like no other player in the league right now. Tottenham find it considerably harder to win without his input.

In 2017, Kane has featured in 24 Premier League matches for Tottenham. In the 13 games in which he has scored, Tottenham's record is 13 wins. In the 11 in which he hasn't, Tottenham's record is Won 4 Drawn 4 Lost 3. 

The conclusion is simple: if Kane doesn't score, the result is in the balance. The difference is a winning record of 100 per cent, and of 36.3 per cent. There is no such thing as a one-man team, but some are more reliant on individuals than others — Dimitri Payet and West Ham, for instance. So it isn't an insult to call Tottenham 'the Harry Kane team'. This year, it's been the reality.

Pep Guardiola called Tottenham the 'Harry Kane team' and it is not an insult to do so, it's reality

Tedious Barton calls it all wrong

Old-fashioned broadcasters like Henry Blofeld or Peter Alliss are not for everybody, but at least they are a step removed from some of the tedious ex-professionals viewing all sport through the pragmatic prism of the result.

At Huddersfield on Saturday, Dele Alli dived to win a penalty and was rightly booked by referee Neil Swarbrick. Asked about this on talkSPORT at the end of the game, Joey Barton came out with a depressing mitigation. 

Alli had given the official a decision to make, Barton said — he then intimated that if England wanted to be successful at tournaments they would have to be more like the continental teams, using their cunning this way.

Leaving aside the fact that English football seems to produce as many divers as any foreign nation these days, Alli's actions were hardly a sign of game intelligence. His team were 3-0 up at the time. Had Swarbrick not spotted it, he would have won a penalty and probably been banned retrospectively by the Football Association panel. 

Joey Barton said Dele Alli's dive gave referee a decision to make, but Spurs star just cheated

Alli appeared to take a tumble after trying to round Huddersfield's goalkeeper on Saturday

So the upside was a barely relevant extra goal in a game Tottenham were cruising, the downside a ban from home fixtures against Bournemouth and Liverpool, at Wembley where Tottenham need all the help they can get. Does Barton really think England are rotten in competition because players aren't thinking like that? Actually, one of the reasons they fail is poor strategic logic — the kind Alli displayed on Saturday.

As for giving Swarbrick a decision to make, he didn't do that either. Saido Berahino did when he fell after being tugged back by Virgil van Dijk during Stoke's match with Southampton. The contact wasn't really strong enough to send him tumbling, but it was most certainly there. 

Berahino exaggerated the impact of the foul to draw the referee's attention. Not ideal, but understandable. Alli simply dived, and a seasoned broadcaster would have called him what he is: a cheat.

The midfielder was deservedly shown a yellow card for simulation by referee Neil Swarbrick

Dire Damian is at it again

Later this month, senior Football Association executives will appear before the Select Committee for Culture, Media and Sport to explain their inept handling of the Mark Sampson affair. Without doubt, it was a mess. 

Beware, however, Damian Collins and his fellow MPs looking to wheedle their way into more authoritative roles by the back door. 'We cannot have any confidence in the FA, which raises the question of whether we need to look again at having an independent regulator for football and whether the FA are even fit for purpose,' said Collins. 

Does the name of this independent regulator spring to mind? Perhaps it would be someone who, once an obscure backbench MP, has managed to dramatically raise his profile by calling sport to order at pointless committee hearings that revisit old ground, pore over evidence that is already in the public domain, and ultimately has no power. 

And even if you feel the Select Committee does good work, you might care to look at the state of Collins's own party at its conference in Manchester this week, and ask whether you would place any of them in charge of a five-a-side, let alone the national game. 

Beware Damian Collins and fellow MPs look to wheedle their way into authoritative roles

It's time to give Bilic a break 

When he was substituted in the 78th minute against Swansea, West Ham striker Javier Hernandez had touched the ball once in the opposition area. 

Still, the decision to replace him was booed — just as it was when Slaven Bilic took him off 64 minutes into a similarly mediocre performance against Huddersfield, with the scores tied 0-0. Yet on both occasions, the substitution changed the game. 

Diafra Sakho came on and scored the winner against Swansea; minus Hernandez, West Ham went on to beat Huddersfield 2-0 and his replacement, Andre Ayew, assisted the first and scored the second. So maybe it is time the locals gave Bilic a break. If he played to the gallery, rather than his instincts, the club's position would be far, far worse.

Slaven Bilic is making the right decisions at West Ham and the fans need to give him a break

Liverpool are United's acid test

There was no way of knowing it when the fixtures came out, but Manchester United's start to the season has been incredibly fortunate. 

As the league table stands, they have played five of the six bottom clubs and no team higher than Southampton in 12th. Liverpool have won just one of their last seven but, at Anfield on October 14, they present a considerable upgrade on United's previous opponents. Whatever their circumstances, Liverpool always raise their game for Manchester United, and it is by far their most significant test of the season. 

Wayne Rooney has a wrist injury. If Everton keep playing as they did on Sunday at Goodison Park, he won't be the only one.