Ashes, Premier League, F1, big rugby union (and league), Davis Cup and much more... why the next THREE days is wall-to-wall sporting heaven

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Lock the doors, shut the curtains, dig out a few takeaway menus and get ready to do absolutely nothing for an entire weekend. 

Take inspiration from the endurance and tenacity of the sports stars on your screen because you'll need every bit of it to stay the course. 

From Friday afternoon's Rugby League World Cup semi-final through to Sunday night's La Liga clash between Barcelona and Valencia, this is the ultimate weekend of sport. 

Both semi-finals of the Rugby League World Cup take place this weekend 

FRIDAY

11pm - 7:30am - The Ashes (BT Sport 1) 

Call the office, you're not coming into today. When we said this was the ultimate weekend of sport we meant Friday, too.

This survival of the fittest starts on the other side of the world as England and Australia locks horns on day two of the first Ashes Test in Brisbane. It's only an eight-hour stretch, so it's a good way to ease in.

PS Oh, did we mention you'll have to forget about sleeping? 

8:45am - 11:00am - Abu Dhabi F1 first practice (Sky Sports F1) 

Lewis Hamilton may have already wrapped up his fourth world title but he'll want to finish the season in style. He'll get a first look at the Abu Dhabi track with the rest of the chasing in the opening practice. 

Lewis Hamilton will be chasing victory in the final race of the season in Abu Dhabi

9am-11am - Rugby League World Cup semi-final Australia v Fiji (BBC One*)

Ease yourself into this marathon, allow the sofa to mould perfectly to your shape whilst taking in the highlights of the first Rugby League World Cup semi-final. 

The hosts Australia are hot favourites to overcome Fiji despite the Pacific Islanders upsetting New Zealand last time out. If England can find a way past Tonga we'll have a classic showpiece between the two old rivals on our hands.  

*Beware - The BBC only seem to be showing highlights at 1pm.

12:45pm-3:30pm - Abu Dhabi GP second practice (Sky Sports F1)

If the league isn't your thing, switch back over to the F1, the first of many remote control dilemmas of your weekend. The second practice session is followed by the opening qualifying stage. 

7:30pm-10:30pm  - West Ham v Leicester (Sky Sports Premier League)

The sport is coming thick and fast now and there's barely time for a tea break. David Moyes is searching for his first win as West Ham boss against Claude Puel's Foxes (8pm kick-off). Kick back and enjoy the first Premier League action of the weekend, savour the company of Moyes for an evening. Who wouldn't.  

David Moyes goes in search of his first win as West Ham boss against Leicester 

SATURDAY

11:30pm - 7:30am 

The Ashes (BT Sport 1) 

Remember now that tiredness is weakness. Joe Root and his barmy army need you. The tourists have made a solid enough start and maybe England aren't going to be hammered after all. An intriguing day's play awaits with Moeen Ali and Dawin Malan resuming on 196-4. You may use the lunch and tea intervals for a nap but other than that, rain delays in Brisbane will be your only chance for a snooze.  

4.30am - 7:30am

England vs Tonga, Rugby League World Cup semi-final (BBC 1)

If you've had enough of the cricket after a solid five hour stint at the crease, flick over to the second semi-final of the rugby league (5pm kick-off) 

Wayne Bennett's men have a spot in the final on the line, beating the Aussies in their own back yard would taste sweet but the mighty Tongans stand in the way.  

Midday - UFC Shanghai (BT Sport 3)

If you're still feeling pumped up for the fight and packed with testosterone you should probably see a doctor. But take advantage of some MMA action first.

Michael Bisping lost his title just three weeks ago and he's already stepping back in the cage so the least you can do it watch him scrap with Kelvin Gastelum in the main event. 

Michael Bisping (pictured) takes on Kelvin Gastelum in the main even in Shanghai

12:00pm - 3:45pm - F1 qualifying (Sky Sports F1)

If watching two pugilists spatter an octagon with blood at 12:00 on a Saturday afternoon isn't for you, then I suggest you take a long look at yourself in the mirror. 

That said, there is an alternative to the UFC, with F1 qualifying over on Sky Sports. Can Hamilton add yet another pole to his record?   

2:00pm-7:40pm - Rugby union bonanza 

Scotland vs Australia (BBC One 2pm) 

England vs Samoa (Sky Sports Main Event 2:55pm) 

Wales vs New Zealand (BBC 2 4:45pm) 

Ireland vs Argentina (Sky Sports Main Event 5:15pm) 

The final round of autumn international all take place within six hours of each other so you might need to recruit a few more screens to cover everything. Your living room will soon look like a Curries shop window but that's perfectly acceptable. 

England will be expecting to make it three from three against Samoa. Warren Gatland would dearly love a win over New Zealand and the Scots, who just fell short against the All Blacks welcome a wounded Wallabies side to Murrayfield.  

England have made a few changes to the team with Henry Slade coming in at No 13

3pm-5pm - Soccer Saturday (Sky Sports Football)

Crystal Palace vs Stoke

Swansea vs Bournemouth

Manchester United vs Brighton

Newcastle vs Watford

Tottenham vs West Brom 

It's getting ridiculous now and you're just going to have to pick something to watch. None of the five 3pm kick-offs are being televised live but a panel of former players will shout about what's happening and keep you abreast of the goals.       

5:30pm-8pm - Liverpool vs Chelsea (BT Sport 1)   

It's time for your second wind. If the sight of Jurgen Klopp and Antonio Conte gesticulating from the touchline as if they are in particularly frustrating round of charades doesn't get you going then I can't help you any more. 

Both sides are in a rich vein of form but the Blues might be up against it, having played a day later in the Champions League away in Azerbaijan. This is undoubtedly the Premier League game of the weekend.  

Liverpool take on Chelsea and will want to put the Champions League collapse behind them

SUNDAY

11:30pm-7.30am  - The Ashes (BT Sport 1)

Between the end of the Liverpool game and the the first ball of day three at the Gabba go and have a shower, you'll need it. A quick four hour nap and you'll be bright and breezy for some more Test cricket.  

England will be looking to take advantage of their solid start to the Ashes in Brisbane

12:30pm-3:30pm - Abu Dhabi GP (Sky Sports F1)

You've invested enough time in watch practice and qualifying, might as well tune in for the race too. The pressure if off for Hamilton but he'd love to finish the season on top of the podium once more.   

12:30pm-3:30pm - Southampton vs Everton (Sky Sports Main Event) 

If you think you're exhausted, frazzled, wide-eyed and shaken by your sporting ordeal, perhaps you'll have some empathy with the Toffees fans.

David Unsworth takes his under-pressure side to St Mary's where the Saints lie in wait.  

Burnley vs Arsenal (2pm kick-off, not televised)

David Unsworth is under pressure as caretaker boss with Everton facing Southampton

2pm-8pm - Davis Cup Final - France vs Belgium (BBC online) 

France take on Belgium in Lille with two high quality singles matches. Lucas Pouille faces David Goffin from 2:00 before Jo-Wilfried Tsonga plays Steve Darcis at 5:00. You're neighbours have probably gone to work or something equally foolish so scream 'Allez Jo' without fear of retribution.

2:45pm -5:15pm - Saracens vs Exeter (BT Sport 2)

The top two club sides in England go toe-to-toe. It's the stand-out Aviva Premiership game of the weekend. No doubt Sarries will be spoiling for revenge having been eliminated from the competition by the Chiefs in last season's quarter-finals. 

Saracens will face the team that ended their domestic campaign last season in Exeter

3:30pm-6:30pm - Huddersfield vs Manchester City (Sky Sports Main Event)

Watching Pep Guardiola's men strut their stuff has been a delight this season, he was fuming despite yet another victory in the Champions League in midweek so the Terriers will have to scrap for everything like.. well like Terriers. 

7:40pm-9:45pm - Barcelona v Valencia (Sky Sports Football)

The final push. You've come so far, seen so much, your head is a whirlwind of sporting cliches but how could you pass up the chance to see Lionel Messi and Co battle it out in a top two La Liga clash. Time for bed.