West Ham 2-3 Tottenham: player ratings to the theme of starship Enterprises

You may or may not be aware of the fact, but Star Trek is back and I’m positively giddy. Last night was the debut of Star Trek: Discovery, the seventh television incarnation of the 50-year old Star Trek franchise, on CBS. The show will be streamed weekly on CBS’s new premium streaming channel CBS All-Access.

The show is set ten years before Captain Kirk set off on his five-year mission. Notably, its main character is an African-American woman who is not captain of a starship. It’s a fresh, new look for a classic sci-fi series, and while it’s pretty, gritty, and different, it’s still very much Trek. I watched the first episode last night... and loved it.

“Discovery” doesn’t focus on a ship named Enterprise, but there have been plenty of those in the Trek canon. So in honor of Star Trek returning to our TV screens, let’s rank the Tottenham Hotspur players after their win over West Ham to the theme of Starship Enterprises.

With respect to the enterprises that came before (and after) it, to my mind few enterprises come close to the greatness that was the Galaxy-class Enterprise. Even back in Next Generation pilot, “Encounter at Farpoint,” the vastness of the ship compared to Kirk, the sleekness of the design, and the sheer badassery of it in combat set it above all others. It could house families, destroy Romulans, and detach its’ saucer section (which was incredibly cool). It also died a heart- (and metal-) rending death by crash-landing on a planet. All hail Picard’s first Enterprise. There were none better.

Harry Kane: Two goals, and smacked the post. He did his job, and did it well.

Christian Eriksen: This is the kind of game where Eriksen can really excel, and he did. His pass to Alli set up Kane’s first goal, his flick helped set up Kane’s second. Oh, and he scored after Kane hit the post. The single most underrated midfielder in football?

Fernando Llorente (honorary award): No, his three minute cameo doesn’t REALLY make him deserve five stars, but I’m giving one to him anyway for coming in, winning balls, and literally trying to fight the entire West Ham team. He’s completely forgiven for being crap the past two matches.

Yes, there’s a ship named Enterprise that chronologically preceded it, but this is and always will be the original Enterprise. Kirk’s first ship was basic in design, but it navigated its five year mission with aplomb, and with style. Plus it still just looks so COOL. Drunk Scotty said it best on his TNG return: “Show me the Enterprise. ENN-CEE-CEE ONE-SEVEN-OH-ONE. No bloody A, B, C, or D.” Indeed.

Jan Vertonghen: Easily Spurs’ best defender on the day, he barely put a foot wrong. So why is he a four instead of a five? Because Spurs’ defense had some problems and he could’ve done better on a couple of occasions in the second half after Spurs went down to 10 men. Slightly picky — he was very good — but not quite enough for a 5 for me.

Hugo Lloris: Hugo barely had to do anything until midway through the second half, but he bailed out Spurs with some big saves late when his defense started to get a mite leaky.

We only got to see the Enterprise-C in one episode — TNG’s “Yesterday’s Enterprise” — but she made quite an impression, holding off three Romulan Warbirds at Narenda III, getting caught in a time-rift, and then returning to be destroyed protecting a Klingon outpost. It may not be the best Enterprise, but it was surely the most bad-ass.

Dele Alli: Boy, what to do with Dele? He was pretty terrible for much of the match, but he had one good assist and, well, let’s give him another half an assist for his blocked shot that fell to Kane in the box. You have to recognize the way he can step up and make big plays even when playing like crap. A strangely Nacer Chadli-esque performance.

After the original Enterprise blew up over the Genesis planet in “Search for Spock,” it was a pleasant surprise to see a new! different! ship with the same basic look and the same name show up to house Kirk and Co. It was also a great way for the visuals to be updated beyond the usual “the ship got retrofitted” excuse. And Enterprise-A had a long and distinguished career... uh, finding God? Saving the Klingon empire? Something.

Eric Dier: Defended well enough when asked, but his passing was pretty wayward throughout the game.

Moussa Sissoko: He can’t pass like Christian Eriksen or hold off player like Mousa Dembele, and he’s certainly not playing like a £30m player. But he’s been a fairly serviceable option in the pivot, and that’s not nothing.

Davinby Sancheweireld: Had some problems early with Marko Arnautovic and Michail Antonio and both seemed to give a little too much space to West Ham attackers throughout the match. A rare off-game for both, though neither were bad.

Harry Winks: Came in for a late 20 minute cameo and showed some good composure in the midfield, though he didn’t have a whole lot of impact overall. Had a nice little run to the far corner late in the match.

Ben Davies: No goals, no assists, only two crosses, and not a huge amount of impact compared to past matches. Davies felt like more of a passenger against West Ham than he has for a few matches, in my opinion. Maybe he’s tired?

The Enterprise-E was Picard’s third ship, and it was effectively a dreadnaught cruiser instead of the research and exploration vessel that was the Enterprise-D. And while it was sleek looking and dart-like and had a major role in three major Enterprise movies (First Contact, Nemesis, Insurrection), it just never had the SOUL of the ships that came before it. Pretty eminently forgettable, as far as Enterprises go.

Serge Aurier: Yes, he had some good moments including a really good tackle that probably saved a goal. But his two fouls on Andy Carroll were both pretty stupid (even if the first yellow was soft), and his sending off very nearly cost Spurs the win. I suspect this is going to be what we get from Aurier for a while: some really outstanding moments, but also quite a few herp-derps.

Look, I get that the first space-going Enterprise was at a time when humankind was still taking its first steps into interstellar exploration, but Captain Archer’s ship always felt like it was basically an Erector set in space. Magnetic grapplers! Polarized hull plating! Only capable of warp 4.5! I always got the sense that it was held together by spot welds and chewing gum and it could fly apart at any moment.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the Enterprise NX-01.

I’m sure the Enterprise-B had a nice, distinguished career, but all we ever saw of it was Captain Cameron-From-Ferris-Beuller f—king things up and getting Kirk “killed” on its original shakedown cruise. It truly was the Ryan Mason of Enterprises.

Kieran Trippier