Everton growing increasingly desperate in chase for center forward

As if the reports earlier this summer linking Christian Benteke to Everton weren’t bad enough, the Guardian are linking Everton with a £20 million move for ex-Red Andy Carroll.

Benteke is capable of doing positive soccer-related things in specific roles. Andy Carroll is not. The slow, lumbering oaf is a garbage footballer, and always has been (so of course Liverpool made him their then record signing in 2011).

The 6’4” Englishman’s best season in the Premier League saw him net 11 times. In 2010-11. Since that year, here are his goal totals in the top flight:

2, 4, 7, 2, 5, 9, 7, and 0 so far this year.

The only reason Andy Carroll has a job in the Premier League is because West Ham United’s sole reason for existence is to exclusively field players who were highly coveted seven years ago.

Yes, yes, Carroll has had an unfortunate run of injury luck, but that’s a risk in itself for Ronald Koeman and the Blues. Even still, the last time Carroll played close to a full season (35 appearances in 2012) he scored...four times. Yay!

Everton being linked with an ex-Liverpool player is always a bad time. Being connected with a terrible player is also a bad time. Put those things together, and you’ve got a rumor that is a flaming pile of dog crap so high that you could see it on the south coast.

If any of Andy Carroll’s family are reading this, I apologize for dragging Andrew through the mud. While I have your attention, though: you might suggest he quit his day job. And not take up high fashion either. Or anything that involves rubbing two brain cells together.