Arsenal vs. Liverpool almost broke my brain

The Man with the Iron Fists is such a weird movie. Japanese characters speaking English in a movie that’s set in Japan and is supposed to be a stereotypical martial arts movie just feels wrong. It should be in Japanese with subtitles. Oh, the Arsenal and Liverpool game is on, I forgot that was today. Probably my brain trying to make sure I missed it after the last few matchups scarred me emotionally. Might as well put it on since it’s my job to put myself through emotional pain and write about it.

40 matches over the next 14 days is absurd. The Premier League definitely needs a winter break, putting players through that schedule is inhumane. Profit rules everything around sports and everything else in this world but there has to be a limit eventually. The games aren’t good because players are tired and everyone else not in England seems to recognize that letting human beings who play almost 60 combined games a season a bit of rest in the middle of the year as a good thing. What the hell are Liverpool wearing? Bold Citrus? That sounds like something a designer says to scam a corporation out of a bunch of money to just company the worst Barcelona kit from a few years ago.

Ainsley Maitland-Niles looks like a concerned citizen who is worried about the crimes of Jack the Ripper. Whys is Mo Salah one on one with him? This won’t turn out well at all.

Why did Mesut Özil send a corner out to Nacho Monreal at the edge of the box? Monreal, of all people. I would rather you just kicked it out of play from the corner. English commentators really hate zonal marking, almost as much as they hate foreign managers. Shut up, Jamie Redknapp. His voice sounds like austerity. I love how Özil lets the ball run across his body, even when he’s not really under any pressure, it gives him a chance to scan the field without having to concentrate on controlling the ball. It’s up there with his Cruyff turns.

Arsenal have the most handsome striker depth. Alexandre Lacazette, Olivier Giroud and Danny Welbeck are better looking than every other team’s strikers. More diverse too.

Jordan Henderson looks like a working class Harry Kane and runs like he’s fighting and losing against the effects of late-stage capitalism. Oh he’s injured. Who’s coming on? James Milner lacks so much sauce that he should be out in the streets begging for a drip of it. He needs every bit he can get. He looks like Major Chip Hazard from Small Soldiers. Or the human form of Hephaestus.

Alex Iwobi runs like his shoes are too small and passes as well as a Nigerian man lies about the second family that he has in another country. Not well. Alexis Sanchez never actually jumps for a header, he just jumps into the defender. Short people. Laurent Koscielny is such a boss, what a clearance to stop that Andrew Robertson. I’m so glad he plays for Arsenal, I remember when people doubted how good he is. Oh to be young again. Feels like just yesterday oh shit Roberto Firmino just dispossessed him. What was Koscielny doing in midfield to begin with? That’s not your job, bro.

Granit Xhaka should definitely not be the supporting midfielder for Maitland-Niles, he doesn’t even pretend to care about defending. He just does that thing where he bends his knees and shifts his body to look like he’s defending without doing anything dynamic. He’s the “yeah I know Excel” of defending.

I’m so glad Arsenal have Petr Cech, that Firmino header would have been a problem with any of the previous keepers. When Firmino smiles, a bird falls out of the sky after being blinded. You can only approach Firmino while holding up the same shield that Perseus used to kill Medusa.

Glad to see Alexis and Lacazette combining. Lacazette is so good with his feet unlike that other guy and oh, another Firmino header. That was close. Maitland-Niles needs to stop thinking about his objections to Edgar Allan Poe’s poems and concentrate on defending that back-post, please.

Oh wow, Coutinho scored.

Was that after a throw-in? What the hell was Koscielny doing? Did Salah threaten him with exile if he engaged him outside of the box? What the hell was Xhaka doing? He stayed with Coutinho throughout the entire play and stopped right before he headed the ball? Did Xhaka have an existential crisis in the middle of the box? Screw Kierkegaard, challenge the damn runner. Xhaka always has at least four “what the hell are you doing” moments in a game. Sometimes it’s his defending, sometimes it’s the passes, sometimes both but he always meets the quota.

Oh dear God, that Salah and Mane counterattack is scary. It should be illegal to have both of them in the same team. I hope Liverpool gets investigated and forced to sell one of them.

Alexis loves giving the ball away as much as he loves his dogs. Iwobi loves giving the ball away and passing out of play as much as he likes running like the floor is lava.

How did Monreal go in late on Mane and he’s the one injured? Guess it’s actually serious, he’s still down. Emre Can looks like a Spanish Jordan Henderson, and he’s German which makes it more hilarious.

Xhaka gives the ball away again. Someone please put “Xhaka gives the ball away again” on my gravestone. Arsenal’s midfield is playing like they were all out clubbing last night and had to hide behind the trash can after because Jack Wilshere thinks that works to keep them from having their pictures taken.

Salah is fast as hell. How is anyone that fast? He’s like a mouse when you turn the light on. Hector Bellerin is going to be so good after he finally avenges the death of his father at the hands of Silver Lion and Bronze Lion and can concentrate solely on soccer.

Holy shit, is Koscielny match-fixing? How do you slip there out of all places, to let in Mo Salah of all people? Of course Mane went for the spectacular. The man has the sauce. When you have the sauce you’re compelled to do the cool thing over the sensible. He couldn’t have brought that down and shot normally if he wanted to. The man doesn’t have a long part in his hair to do boring Milner things.

Xhaka gives the ball away again. This is how I die. Oh now Özil gives it away twice in a row. He’s definitely doing a performance art piece on how Xhaka plays.

Mustafi is coming on? I guess that Monreal injury was serious. I love that he prays before coming on, I should do something on the religious rituals that players have before and during games. Hopefully he prayed for Arsenal’s midfield.

Shut up, Jamie Redknapp.

Goodness Christ that Mane and Salah counterattack is going to kill me before the new year. Please stop Salah from running. Wilshere please. Just foul him. Slide. Do something. No, don’t go to Firmino, follow the guy that’s going towards goal and not the one on the sideline. Why is there three people on Firmino when he’s on the damn sideline. Someone please step onto Salah, don’t give him space, don’t give him space, please don’t give him space and of course he scored you idiots. I told you to not give him space. I hate this team so much. SANCHEZ!

Alexis I love you so much! You beautiful waxed man! The greatest Chilean since Isabel Allende. I’ve always loved you, even when I said that you should be put on both team sheets since you love to give the ball away so much, it was out of love.

Xhaka please don’t shoot this, YOU GORGEOUS MAN! What a cannon!

I’ve never loved another human being as much as I love you. The gods carved you out of marble and gave you a rocket for a left foot. Shoot everything, always. I don’t care. Look at Simon Mignolet flapping at the shot, Liverpool should probably think of getting a keeper who can actually save shots.

Look at Özil leading the resurgence. And they said he disappears in big games. Love to see him and Lacazette combine and OH MY GOD. ÖZIL!

My one and true son! I would sacrifice all of my other sons for your sake. I love no one but you and only you. You wonderful angel. Look at the gang sign. Look at the knee slide. Look at the hair. Everything is perfect.

Coutinho is so good. A damn outside of the boot pass across the field to Mane. Thank goodness for Cech.

Xhaka, what the hell are you doing? You don’t tackle people from behind. Look at Özil again, if Lacazette plays a one-two with him instead of backheeling that pass to Wilshere, they would have recreated the earlier goal. Please don’t pass it to Jack when Özil is open, Lacazette. You have to know these things.

Shut up, Jamie Redknapp. I’m pretty sure the last image I’ll see before I die is Mane and Salah running at the Arsenal defense.

Why is Firmino wide open at the top of the box? Why is Firmino wide open at the top of the box? I’M SORRY, WHY IS FIRMINO WIDE OPEN AT THE TOP OF THE BOX?

What is Koscielny doing? Who is he even looking at while Firmino is right next to him? I hope Netflix is paying him good money for this comedic performance. He’s literally looking running to defend time and space instead of the forward right next to him. Oh wow, Cech saved it. What a wonderful keeper. Cech you absolute scrub. You just went full Manuel Almunia huh? How do you save the shot into your own goal? 15 points a season my ass.

This game is not good for my health. I should start going to therapy and bill Arsenal for it. I can’t believe that he saved the ball into the goal. Oh yes cech, kick the ball back to Liverpool. That’s exactly what we need right now.

What a touch by Iwobi. And now he’s coming off for Danny Welbeck, the sixth best black man alive, after me/Idris Elba (same person), Mahershala Ali, Jay Z, Barack Obama and LeBron James.

How happy is Georginio Wijnaldum to have escape Newcastle? Probably as happy as the Arsenal defense is to see that Mane is going off.

How did Özil slip under no pressure there? Is the spirit of Steven Gerrard haunting this field? If we lose because of a slip, I’m never watching soccer again. I swear to Paolo Maldini.

Oh look, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the man with the name of the Chief Constable who assures Maitland-Niles that he will catch Jack the Ripper in no time. The Judas. Jezebel. The sycophant.

Xhaka, what the hell are you doing? Please stop doing these things.

Wonderful, now that Mane is off, Gini wants to counterattack with Salah. What is Koscielny doing? Why are you running towards Gini when SALAH OF ALL PEOPLE IS RUNNING ACROSS YOU? THERE’S THREE PEOPLE CHASING GINI ALREADY! Who replaced Koscielny with Johan Djourou?

I don’t want to see Theo Walcott do anything. It takes him six touches to do something a good player could do with two. He’s the eternal youth player.

What a wonderful pass from Wilshere to Özil and Özil completely blows the cross. Oh my goodness that almost went in. How did it come down at that angle? That’s wild. I’m sure he meant it. Özil doesn’t make mistakes.

Huh, Firmino and Coutinho have the same tattoo under their ear. That’s pretty cute.

Thank goodness this game is over. I don’t ever want to watch another match like this again. That made no sense. My head hurts. Of course Milner thought Liverpool should be more boring, the man probably thinks paste is seasoning. He’s worse than the boring Milner meme because that’s satire and he’s utterly serious. I hate him so much.