MOU’S MELODRAMA
The theme music ends and the camera pans across the glistening cobbles. Peter Barlow looks shifty and takes a final drag on his cigarette before tossing it to the curb. Sally Webster disappears into Rita’s Kabin. And José Mourinho, shoulders hunched, the collar of his dark peacoat turned up against the rain, trudges past the Rovers Return. He mutters inaudibly but we catch the words “Conte”, “humiliation” and “Einsteins”.
[Noises off]: José! José!
Mourinho turns to see Emily Bishop hurrying towards him, a look of concern on her face.
“José, I’m sorry to bother you. It’s just … you look so sad. Are you not enjoying life in Manchester?”
“For me it’s a bit of a disaster because I want sometimes to walk a little bit and I can’t. I just want to cross the bridge and go for a restaurant. I can’t, so it is really bad.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about the restaurants – it’s pretty much a choice between Nick’s Bistro and Roy’s Rolls – but it can’t be much fun for you in living in that room above the Weatherfield Arms. Why don’t you put an offer in on No15?”
“Buy a house? I do not know, I do not know. But maybe, if I can get a good apartment … not these giant houses that the press says I’m going to buy. I will never buy that! But if I find a nice apartment with a good connection from the garage to the apartment, maybe I do it - but I can’t cook!”
“Well, Freshco does some pretty good ready meals these days. And there’s Primer Doner on the corner. Chesney owns the place now you know. Oh, but you must miss your kids …”
“The reality is that my daughter will be 20 next week, my son will be 17 in a couple of months. They are very stable.”
“They grow so quickly. They’re in that London aren’t they? Maria’s gone down to that London, so we won’t be seeing her for a bit. It’s basically the moon isn’t it?”
“University in London. Football in London. Friends. So they are in an age where they can’t chase me like they did before. So for the first time the family lives in a different way.”
“Ah. Well I suppose there are some things that £10m-a-year can’t …”
“We try to feel it, we try to see the evolution of our feelings and see how we cope with the situation.”
“Um, OK. Well, you should try some of Betty’s hotpot. That always makes me fe…”
“But I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered, which I do sometimes.”
“Apps, yes. Good, good. Right, well, I must get round to Audrey’s salon for my appoi…”
“You know the history of the paparazzi, for the hotel and the brand that sponsors me, the clothes brand, is amazing because they are there every day.”
“Umm … brand what now?”
“Everybody knows the name of the hotel! Everybody knows the last arrivals of that brand! So for them, it is amazing.”
“Amazing, yes. Well, cheerio then.”
Emily pats him worriedly on the arm but before she can leave, Pep Guardiola staggers into them, sweating and exhausted, his eyes surrounded by dark rings. He begins to speak between ragged breaths.
“I am still learning about football in this country. Even when we were winning 10 games in a row I felt we had to make a lot of effort to win those games. You cannot win any game here without spending a lot of energy.”
Pep staggers off once more. A nonplussed Emily turns to see José disappearing up the ginnel.
END SCENE
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I did not fail on the field. I am not going to fail in the bed” – Tino Asprilla talks the good talk at the launch of his new line of condoms.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I am a Norwich City supporter, my mate is a Sunderland man. I’ve been trying to convince him that it is a far more pleasant footballing experience waking up on a Sunday (we both live significantly to the east of Fiver Towers, though he’s in the south and I’m in the north) to results that show your team to be a contender in the Championship rather than to be an also-ran in the Premier League, even if the ultimate price of success is to end up spending a season or two in the significantly more unpleasant role. But he’s not convinced of the excitement and glamour of being part of the Greatest League in the World, etc and so on. I’d be interested in the opinions of other Fiver readers who support yo-yo teams that might provide evidence either way. Of course, if I was equipped with a copy of Football Manager, as a time-rich ex-pat trailing spouse (or diplomatic handbag) I might be able to undertake extensive modelling on the relative merits of the two roles” – Stuart Hodge.
“In response to Angus Goldings letter [yesterday’s Fiver]: I am such a lazy letter writer that I didn’t even write a lazy letter simply asking for a copy of Football Manager. Therefore maybe I am more entitled to a copy? Or have I just ruined my chances by showing that I am proactive enough to write a lazy letter?” – Carl Harvey.
“Sad to hear José Mourinho speak of his trouble adapting to life in Manchester due to still staying in a hotel. My advice to him is to take a leaf out of Alan Partridge’s book and see the positives. He must already have accumulated loads of free body lotion and, anticipating the standard of the breakfasts in the hotel he’ll be residing in, he’d be a fool not to have bought a big plate by now” – David Hunter.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United’s Ivorian defender Eric Bailly is going to be sidelined until Christmas with knee-knack and is due to return just in time for the Africa Cup of Nations.
England’s Lionesses have beaten Spain 2-1 in Guadalajara thanks to Steph Houghton’s free-kick.
Nice guy Gareth Southgate has resisted the temptation to kick Wayne Rooney while he’s down. “He’s the England captain and although he didn’t start in Slovenia, to me he is a hugely influential person,” cheered Southgate.
Arsène Wenger has told Alex Iwobi to take a chill pill. “He is too nervous at the moment when he has the possibility to finish,” he trilled.
The majority of football fans in Britain would have no issues with an openly gay player at their club, although 8% have said they would stop going to support their club.
And Joey Barton will hold talks with Rangers on Thursday in an attempt to resolve his future. *The Fiver reaches for the popcorn …*
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Remember that time when Ian St John, Jimmy Greaves and Donald Trump made the draw for the Fizzy Cup in 1991? No? Then read all about it here.
Rob Smyth recalls why it’s the Milk Cup that brings the best out of Manchesters United and City.
So Fresh. So Clean. Outcast from Europe, Liverpool could well be in with a sniff of that elusive league title, thinks Paul Wilson.
“Even my 78-year-old father streams games” – readers provide their reasons and tales for watching shonky internet feeds as Big Website’s Stop Football campaign cranks up a gear.
Goals. Of. The. Week. The Prince is back!
In this week’s Knowledge, find out which football club was the first to have an official club website (in 1990!) in the latest trip down Nerd-vana lane.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan is heading for the Manchester United exit … so says today’s tish and fipsy.
Just when things were going so well for the Pozzis at Watford … Paul MacInnes has the latest.
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