Wayne Rooney’s dream Everton return far from perfect after Old Trafford mauling and Europa League humiliation in same week
Goodison was supposed to represent a place of belonging for Rooney but right now home comforts are in short supply
THE courthouse, the doghouse and the relegation places.
So how’s that dream move back to Everton going so far, then?
Chuck in a humiliation in the Europa League during a run of four straight defeats, in which Everton have conceded 12 times and failed to score, and the answer for Wayne Rooney is: “Not exactly swimmingly.”
This summer, the former England captain arrived back at his boyhood club — the place where he’d once memorably kissed the Manchester United badge — claiming he had been sleeping in Everton pyjamas for some time.
Well, just five weeks into the season, Rooney’s royal-blue PJs must be drenched in the sweat of nightmares.
The Old Trafford faithful granted United’s all-time record goalscorer a cordial pre-match reception and then a standing ovation when he was substituted in the 82nd minute, with Everton only one goal down.
He’d had a decent stab at the thankless task of playing as the lone striker in Ronald Koeman’s unambitious 5-4-1 formation — and forced David De Gea to save with his legs early in the second half.
In fact, for the 79 minutes between Antonio Valencia’s rip-snorting opener and the Ashley Williams howler that gifted Henrikh Mkhitaryan the second, Everton gave a perfectly reasonable account of themselves.
But the Premier League table makes particularly grim reading for them, on account of United’s late flourish — with Romelu Lukaku’s goal and an Anthony Martial penalty sending the Toffees into the bottom three on goal difference.
Those sort of maths do not matter much at this stage of the season, especially after a testing run of fixtures.
But the paucity of Everton’s form is a huge worry for Koeman, who is in charge of an underperforming team at a club with an ambitious investor.
Never a good mix for a manager.
The Dutchman admitted his side had looked “scared” early on and you could tell that the pressure is growing on Koeman by the way he reacted to Jose Mourinho’s programme notes.
There, the old rascal claimed Everton had spent £140million in the summer and must therefore be aiming for “at least the top four”.
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Everton’s net spend had been closer to £50m, once they had sold their leading scorer, Romelu Lukaku, to United in a deal worth £90m.
But Mourinho had laid the bait and will have been delighted one of the players who used to call him ‘The Translator’ at Barcelona had bitten on a big fat worm.
For long periods of this match, Rooney had looked more impressive than Belgian Lukaku, with whom he had swapped clubs, and Koeman claimed he needed more players like the 31-year-old.
Rooney, who has scored both of the Toffees’ league goals so far this season, looked the cleverer of the two centre-forwards, with Lukaku squandering a glaring first-half chance.
But all that will have been buried under the late avalanche of United goals. This morning, Rooney has more pressing matters to deal with at Stockport Magistrates’ Court, where he is up before the beak on drink-driving charges.
The Scouser, who scored a club-record 253 goals at United while winning a Champions League and five Premier League titles, is not the first Red Devils legend to have relished the unarguable merits of wine, women and song.
He is certainly not in George Best’s league, although his keen sense of thirst has now landed him in trouble with both the law and his wife, Coleen.
In these circumstances, you would have to be politically incorrect to suggest it was bad timing for Everton to unveil the computer game Angry Birds as their new sleeve sponsor, so we won’t...
Given football’s recent addiction to commemorating anything and everything in one way or another, it seemed almost strange United did not mark his return with any official pomp and ceremony.
Although, for the 27 years Sir Alex Ferguson ruled this place, few club legends were seen off with anything more than a metaphorical bullet in the back of the head as soon as they were deemed surplus to requirements.
But the Stretford End sang his name as he walked, arm in arm with Michael Carrick, towards the tunnel after the warm-up.
And when he made way for Kevin Mirallas late on, a full house rose to acclaim a man often said to have been admired here but never adored.
Mourinho suggested Rooney would return to United, perhaps as a coach, perhaps in one of those phoney ambassadorial roles they give out to stop them being critical in the media.
The United boss said: “I didn’t need to ask them to acclaim him, it is the nature of English fans, of big clubs.
“I can only speak about Stamford Bridge and Old Trafford, in both stadiums when we have former important players, the reception is normally phenomenal.
“He’s at home here and I believe he will be back again.”
Everton was supposed to represent a place of belonging for Rooney but right now, home comforts are in short supply.
